Fear Is The Worst – Part 2 (A Second Example)

June 18, 2013

Penguin fear of flyingPicking up from yesterday –

I said there were two instances in high school when I regretted being afraid. Here is the second one.

My entire high school career, all I wanted was a lead in a musical.

I blindly kept believing it would happen. I took tap dance lessons each week before school. I sang at every scene night. (And I of course, always picked songs that would be roles I could play – from shows that had roles that would nicely fit the stars in my class.)

I was all in, baby! Strategizing, singing, singing, and more singing.

Before the list went up, no one had huge hopes for me. Some juniors had gotten leads in shows. I had one large role in a show that was really ensemble focused. It was one of the more forgotten shows of the season. No one really viewed me as my class star. As much as I was headstrong in my absolute refusal to believe anything but a lead in a musical was coming my way, I convinced no one else by me…

Well, me, and I guess my teacher. She cast me in a one woman musical to kick off my senior season. (And I had the female lead of another musical, and two large parts in two more… I was the only person in all four musicals that year.)

And the women of my class were not happy.

And I don’t blame them! We were high schoolers. We wanted what we wanted, and of course it all felt like a matter of life or death. I wouldn’t have been happy either. I would’ve totally been cursing Aurora (me) under my breath.

But all of the people who thought I’d trip up and fail – who thought I couldn’t carry a musical and didn’t deserve one – their comments got to me.

I’d like to say that I took all their comments and used each one as fuel to make me give the performance of a liftetime. But, I questioned myself. I wondered, “Can I carry a show?”

It’s amazing how someone so blindly confident could crumble after she got exactly what she asked for (therefore must’ve thought she deserved).

But that’s what happened to me.

I still did the show (obviously). And it went well, overall. It definitely wasn’t a bad performance. But it could’ve been better.

When I look back at the tape, I see moments where you can easily see it in my eyes that I was questioning myself. It hurts to see that fear captured on tape forever.

You can even hear me tightening up on one or two high notes, because I was thinking, “No one thinks I can hit this… Can I hit this?” – even though I was more than capable of hitting them.

The silver lining to this is that I ended up getting to perform the show again in December and again in March for various things. By March, I’d grown and learned so much. And I like to think I brought down the house. 🙂 (I mean, strangers were asking me for my autograph. So, obviously, next stop Tony Awards!)

But, all this to say, I deeply regret letting people decide for me what I was or wasn’t capable of. Fear is the worst! And it’s silly. To reiterate yesterday’s point, you are capable of anything. Anything.

I'd love to hear from you! So whaddya say?