Yesterday, I set up this ungrateful girl trying to get through her chore of college, while really just trying to act like she wasn’t going to college – getting as many jobs/gigs/shows under her belt as possible before graduating.
(Me, by the way. That girl is me.)
Now, while I don’t regret working, perhaps it would’ve been better to have school be the first priority and work be the second. I can’t know what would’ve happened, but it might’ve been nice to take those years and just try to become the best musician possible.
I think my record for jobs at one time while in school was five. Working is great, but were five outside jobs really necessary?
After I had to quit working because of all of the heart stuff, I repeated a semester of MP&E (Music Production and Engineering). I’d sort of lamented before that semester that other people had a lot more experience, and I was just never going to be a great producer/engineer. I didn’t think I’d ever catch up.
Surprisingly (or not so), once I was too sick to have a work schedule outside of the hospital, but too healthy and bored not to do anything, I threw myself completely into my classes – and I improved greatly.
One of my professors remarked that he wasn’t surprised at all. He knew I had better work in me, it was just about putting in the time/effort.
Of course, I still didn’t have projects as good as people who’d been working in parents’ recording studios since they were ten. But I think we’re not supposed to compare ourselves to other people? (Even though I constantly compare myself to other people. And it can be good to that sometimes, I think.)
Anyway, I guess I’m just meandering around some thoughts here. But every time I’m working on new musical theater songs, and I haven’t fleshed out the accompaniment nearly as much as I should have, or I take 3x as long as someone else to write out the score, or I can’t play piano parts super proficiently – I get a little frustrated with myself.
Of course, it’s possible that even if I were a better, more dedicated musician that my life might not be any better. I might feel mildly better about myself, and people might think I was cool. But I also might not be able to afford other things that make me happy – classes, marathons, my amazing apartment – because I might not have been able to land certain jobs and such.
On the other side of the coin, though, that might not matter much. If indeed I were a much better musician, I might’ve already been accepted into BMI and not even living here. I could be working on Broadway for all I know!
I really don’t know. I can’t live the life I didn’t live.
I guess that means I have no conclusion, really.
My dad has a great quote – which of course I lame-ly can’t remember, but the idea is that you’re not allowed to look back with regret. You’re only allowed to look back if you’re learning. Other than that you must move forward.
So, yes. I squandered college. Time to stop getting frustrated with that when I write. Since I can’t change the past, but I can change the future, the question is what will I do now?