Have I Been On Pause (Or At Least Slow Motion?)

August 10, 2013

pause buttonI’m not sure if it’s coming across in the blog quite as much as in my real life (I think it is coming across here with all the college talk, at least).

But, I’ve been just kind of doing a lot of thinking about where I am and what I’m doing, and where I want to be and what I want to be doing in the next few years.

I think multiple things spurred this on, but definitely three of the biggest ones were:

1) Going to Ohio for my teacher’s transition (retirement, though we dare not utter that word) party. I said working with her catapulted me back to old times, and made me feel content in that moment – which it did. But as it catapulted me back to old times, it made me remember what it was like to wake up each morning with a defined purpose, to work incredibly hard and feel the benefits of that, and to be so contently happy.

(Am I working that hard now? I don’t think so.)

2) I re-signed my lease again. This will be year three in Los Angeles. When I first moved here, I thought, “I give it one year to save up money and get the heck back to New York.” But, then I got promoted to assistant editor. Moving back to New York now would almost certainly mean moving down again. I’m kind of over PA-ing. (Unless a lovely scripted show needs me. I would clean toilets for the staff of The Simpsons with a smile on my face.)

(Side note: I don’t want to sound like I’m putting PA-ing down. I firmly believe in paying your dues. But I also believe in eventually moving up and knowing your worth. I worked really hard to move up. Generally, because there are more jobs out here, and because I have a bigger network out here, it will be much easier to continue working at my current level out here. And I can’t put myself in a precarious financial situation by moving just because I good and well feel like it. (Though if I get an opportunity, I’m outie in a hot second.))

I was so hesitant to start a life here. “Why get attached when I’m just gonna move? Why settle in when I’m just gonna move?” But, now I’m realizing I’m going on my 3rd year here, and I have very few attachments. Now that this place is (chokes a little on the words) kind of my home for now, it’s maybe time to at least establish myself just a tiny bit in this city – volunteering, maybe putting up a photo or two on my completely blank walls and desk in my room…

3) When I was putting together my application to the BMI musical theater workshop, I looked at my resume from 2011, and I realized nothing had changed. Yes, I took on the 52 half marathons project – and as a good friend of mine pointed out, I learned a lot about social media in the process – which is a valuable skill. (I’m the first to admit I have a ton more to learn, though.)

And sure, I worked on a couple more shows. My day job continued on like normal. But, that’s expected, not special or extraordinary.

There was no new education. (Okay, I narrowly passed Basic at The Groundlings, and I took an elective sketch writing class since I was eligible for it after that. But those are tiny little steps to make in the span of two years.)

My volunteer work was practically non-existent. (I made some calls for Barack Obama when he was running for president, and that’s about it.)

As far as new or strengthened references – what special things had I done? When had I gone above and beyond? I don’t know that I can really give you any concrete example in the past two years. (I know that’s absolutely awful to type.)

To look at a piece of paper (my resume) and try to justify what I’d been doing for two years – it was really sobering. And not that fun.

This is a post on which I’m highly considering not pushing “publish,” because it’s vulnerable. And it shines a light on my inadequacies. But the blog is a pretty open place, and this is what I’ve been facing lately, so I just thought I’d throw it out there.

Piggybacking on yesterday’s post about how I live in Los Angeles, I need to live here. And not think, “Well, I’ll be awesome once I move back to the east coast.” But, “I’ll be as awesome as I can today.”

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