But, I’ve been just kind of doing a lot of thinking about where I am and what I’m doing, and where I want to be and what I want to be doing in the next few years.
I think multiple things spurred this on, but definitely three of the biggest ones were:
1) Going to Ohio for my teacher’s transition (retirement, though we dare not utter that word) party. I said working with her catapulted me back to old times, and made me feel content in that moment – which it did. But as it catapulted me back to old times, it made me remember what it was like to wake up each morning with a defined purpose, to work incredibly hard and feel the benefits of that, and to be so contently happy.
(Am I working that hard now? I don’t think so.)
2) I re-signed my lease again. This will be year three in Los Angeles. When I first moved here, I thought, “I give it one year to save up money and get the heck back to New York.” But, then I got promoted to assistant editor. Moving back to New York now would almost certainly mean moving down again. I’m kind of over PA-ing. (Unless a lovely scripted show needs me. I would clean toilets for the staff of The Simpsons with a smile on my face.)
(Side note: I don’t want to sound like I’m putting PA-ing down. I firmly believe in paying your dues. But I also believe in eventually moving up and knowing your worth. I worked really hard to move up. Generally, because there are more jobs out here, and because I have a bigger network out here, it will be much easier to continue working at my current level out here. And I can’t put myself in a precarious financial situation by moving just because I good and well feel like it. (Though if I get an opportunity, I’m outie in a hot second.))
I was so hesitant to start a life here. “Why get attached when I’m just gonna move? Why settle in when I’m just gonna move?” But, now I’m realizing I’m going on my 3rd year here, and I have very few attachments. Now that this place is (chokes a little on the words) kind of my home for now, it’s maybe time to at least establish myself just a tiny bit in this city – volunteering, maybe putting up a photo or two on my completely blank walls and desk in my room…
3) When I was putting together my application to the BMI musical theater workshop, I looked at my resume from 2011, and I realized nothing had changed. Yes, I took on the 52 half marathons project – and as a good friend of mine pointed out, I learned a lot about social media in the process – which is a valuable skill. (I’m the first to admit I have a ton more to learn, though.)
And sure, I worked on a couple more shows. My day job continued on like normal. But, that’s expected, not special or extraordinary.
There was no new education. (Okay, I narrowly passed Basic at The Groundlings, and I took an elective sketch writing class since I was eligible for it after that. But those are tiny little steps to make in the span of two years.)
My volunteer work was practically non-existent. (I made some calls for Barack Obama when he was running for president, and that’s about it.)
As far as new or strengthened references – what special things had I done? When had I gone above and beyond? I don’t know that I can really give you any concrete example in the past two years. (I know that’s absolutely awful to type.)
To look at a piece of paper (my resume) and try to justify what I’d been doing for two years – it was really sobering. And not that fun.
This is a post on which I’m highly considering not pushing “publish,” because it’s vulnerable. And it shines a light on my inadequacies. But the blog is a pretty open place, and this is what I’ve been facing lately, so I just thought I’d throw it out there.
Piggybacking on yesterday’s post about how I live in Los Angeles, I need to live here. And not think, “Well, I’ll be awesome once I move back to the east coast.” But, “I’ll be as awesome as I can today.”