I Build Myself Up, Then I Tear Myself Down

January 19, 2014

Really cute shirt I am no longer permitted to wear...
Really cute shirt I am no longer permitted to wear…

Ah boy. Insecurity and such.

I’ve been losing some weight. It’s slow, but pretty steady (which I understand is the way it probably should be)… But as you probably know if you’ve ever tried to lose weight, it can at some points be frustrating because you see yourself every day. Sometimes it becomes a little easy to lose the forest through the trees.

I know that I’ve been losing weight because I can sort of see it. And the numbers on the scale are going down. But for whatever reason, I wanted a little extra confidence boost.

I have one drawer in my closet of cute clothing from before I gained a bunch of weight in the hospital with my heart issues. Yes, I realize that was about 4 years ago at this point and that perhaps it was time to just get rid of this cute stuff already… But I did get rid of almost everything else I used to be able to fit into. I just kept one small drawer of stuff I really liked, because I was determined to get back into it at some point.

The good news is, I have! I’m still certainly not skinny by any stretch of that word. But I’m starting to look presentable in cute clothing. I tried on this shirt because I used to love this shirt! The great news is – it fits again!

The bad news is, I may never again in my life be able to wear it. As you may notice, there’s a big slit in the middle of the chest. It’s supposed to look kind of cute/sexy and usually it does.

But now, all it does is BAM highlight my open-heart surgery scar. That’s it. That’s what that little keyhole shows now.

I live with my scar daily. I know it’s there. I know it’s part of me now. I knew that I’d be able to see it when I tried on this shirt. But actually seeing how front and center and ba-bam it looked in the shirt – it was even worse than I imagined. And it made me sad. Really sad. I cried a little. (But at least it was a great looking cry where you could see the single tear fall down my cheek!)

The point is, even if I lose a whole bunch of weight – even if I only weighed 95 pounds and everything was toned and perfect – none of that would take away that big scar on my chest.

Now, I know that not all hope it totally lost. I’m gonna call my plastic surgeon about laser scar removal… I know there’s a possibility that someday my scar won’t look as bad.

But just in the moment, I was really upset and I thought why not share my moment of sadness/insecurity with you?

1 thought on “I Build Myself Up, Then I Tear Myself Down”

  1. You are beautiful inside and out and I never notice the scar even when you wear clothes that should show it. I marvel at how well you healed. It is a reminder of your victory over WPW! I am so proud of you!

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