Picking up from last time –
I was admitting that I could sort of,maybe, kind of see the wanting to be liked angle of it all – especially since I’m keeping a blog so some people will see I’m doing this.
But truthfully, the only reason I even wanted to blog about the journey was because I thought being a living kidney donor was going to be this awesome, fulfilling experience. And I could show the world that it is such.
There was a time when I didn’t know you could go be a living kidney donor to a stranger. I thought talking about it might spark interest in someone else. And I liked the idea of that.
I also generally share my life on this blog. Sure, not every single detail. But something like this – I feel that that’s generally the kind of stuff I share with you.
The point is, I’m not writing about kidney donation because I think, “these will be the posts that will make people love me!”
I get it that I have some insecurities. I’ve certainly talked about youth and beauty enough on this blog that you know I worry about that kind of stuff. Sometimes I even make fun of myself and my insecurities a little. I think I’ve even captioned a picture something along the lines of, “It took 2 hours to dress up like this. Please validate me.”
And we all know that I flip over the moon when people retweet me and stuff. So, I’m not going to act like I’m someone who never needs any validation whatsoever, or who looks in the mirror each morning and thinks that I’m totally the greatest thing on two legs…
But does anybody?
I feel like I have a normal human level of insecurity (and ensuing silliness regarding it). But I would never give a body part just on the hope that it’d make somebody somewhere like me.
I’ll even admit, if the psych people thought I wanted them to like me, they were right! I did want them to like me. I wanted them to like me, because I wanted them to approve me for a goal of mine. (I know they said they weren’t judging my personality, but it seemed to me they sort of were…)
Oh, and one more argument I have as to why we know I wasn’t doing this to be liked… I’ve already stated before that one thing I absolutely hated about my heart issue was all the pity! I did not like that pity people pour on you while you’re in the hospital.
When I give a kidney, sure, people will probably pay attention to me while I’m in the hospital (as people are wont to do), which is usually when I want attention the least. And then two weeks later, they’ll basically forget it’s happened – which will be good, ’cause I’ll be normal Aurora in their eyes out climbing mountains and skydiving and doing whatever it is I decide to do next.
But this would be A LOT of work to get attention for just a couple of days in the hospital – especially when that pitied hospital attention is my least favorite kind of attention at all.
There’s more to this rejection and we’ll get there next time.