Picking up from Wednesday –
Now we get to her summary and recommendations. She mentions in here that I said, “I just want you to like me… I just want us all to be friends.” And she mentions it as though it’s a genuine concern that she has.
Now, when you see that sentence in writing, I think there are so many ways you can take it! It sounds as though she took it as a genuinely scared wide-eyed girl hoping people really liked her.
I meant it as a “I’m trying to have fun and cut the tension in here. I’m gonna give one of my little shoulder shrugs with the smile like ‘haha. Let’s all just get along *smile*” But no! The tension is *never* allowed to be cut in that room.
I’ll admit, I was nervous. But I don’t really care one way or another if this social worker actually likes me outside of this weird little context. Why would I care? All I was truly nervous about was that this interview would decide for another human if she or he would get to live!
Seriously. That’s not hyperbole. Kidney transplants are actually life and death. If I failed this interview (which unfortunately I did), more likely than not, someone was going to die. Even if they didn’t die, their life would stay in this trapped phase, which was what I really wanted to help save someone from.
And that’s a lot of pressure on an interview!
What’s weird is I consider myself great at interviews. I get almost every job for which I score an interview. I call myself “great in the room – just get me in the room. I’ll get the job.” And most of the time that really does happen.
Employers commend me for my demeanor! I’ve been called “adorable,” “fun,” “a light in the office,” “a pleasure to have around.” I do not say those things to brag. I just say them because my perception is so off! If I’m getting jobs and people say I’m a great interviewee, and I’m getting all this positive reinforcement – then how is everything I know about myself wrong?
How is a skill I truly believe I have just totally not there?
I didn’t act any different in this interview than I do in others. I actually said in early job interviews, “I’m a little nervous.” (I don’t say that so much anymore, ’cause now that I’ve done so many, I’m generally less nervous.)
But back when I did say it, I’d make a semi-silly face with a big smile as I said it. I’d say it in a (hopefully) fun way, while I tried to befriend the interviewer… And it worked! It always worked!
It broke tensions. We had a little laugh. We talked about hobbies the interviewer had, and we moved on. So, if that’s what I always understood to happen in interviews… why wasn’t it happening here!?
And this is where I’ll pick up on Wednesday.