Time for another installment of this Wednesday/Sunday night series!
Picking up from last time –
When we’d talked about kids, I think I said my “no” (about not wanting to have them) in a bit too strong of a tone of voice. That was maybe partially what took her aback. When I noticed I was digging myself into a hole, my immediate first reaction was to try to jump in and explain myself out of it.
“Well, I want to live my work. I want to work on something I’m so passionate about that it takes up as much time children would – more time than children would! I don’t want to spend the money on kids. I don’t want to lose my freedom to kids. I don’t want to fully trust another human being to raise kids with me. I don’t want to inadvertently make any wrong decisions that would make my kids grow up to resent me. I don’t want to wreck my body anymore than I’ve already wrecked it with being fat and with open-heart surgery (and plastic surgery). I don’t want to bring another child into the world when there are so many kids without homes already…” And on an on.
(And yes, I realize some of those points would be moot with adoption, or with being a single parent. I don’t care. I don’t want children. I just don’t. [*Gets really sweaty, trying to over-explain herself*])
And the way I’m getting flustered now in trying to justify my unpopular opinion, is exactly the way I didn’t want to get with her.
[*Takes a deep breath fighting every instinct that’s pushing me to pipe up and over-explain things to her… Silently sweats it out.*]
So, I let her be slightly taken aback, knowing if she wanted to explore anything more, she would expand on that. I didn’t need to.
Then, we transitioned into an equally awkward topic when she asked about relationships. As you may have noticed on the blog, I try to generally stay away from talk about dates or relationships here.
I just think relationships are very personal (and private). If I were to go on a date with someone, I wouldn’t want them worried they were going to get mentioned in the blog (or anywhere on the internet, for that matter).
I’m absolutely mortified for people when private text messages get put on tumblr (or wherever else), especially when those texts show identifying information. Relationships (of any kind – including friendships) can be so rough, dealing with emotions, and trying to express yourself and everything.
I’ve seen totally sane, normal people come off much less sane when pushed in various situations, and when presented in the right (or I guess wrong) light. While trying to learn how you communicate in your relationships, you shouldn’t have to be worried about being under the world’s microscope. I mean, be kind, people. Right?
I know that’s a total tangent that has nothing to do with kidneys (or really even my social worker interview)… The point is, for a myriad of reasons, I don’t generally talk about relationships on this blog.
Granted, obviously the social worker wasn’t asking me to put anything on tumblr. It was a private interview for a medical file. I’m sure I probably could’ve shared anything… had there really been anything to share…
(Side note: I’m not really sure I could’ve shared anything, as the last time I had a mental health visit for kidney stuff, in the crazy game that that was, the psychologist leaned forward a couple of times saying, “Can you tell me a little more? I won’t put this in your chart.” And wouldn’t you know it, it all winds up in my chart! (Not that I said anything super secret, but the point is she totally lied to me (and often misrepresented what I said anyway.) So, my trust is shaken. And I’m on guard here.)
This is where I’ll pick up next time.