Picking up from last time –
I yelled out “CRAP!” (or perhaps another choice word in the moment that we won’t mention on this blog) oh so loudly when I got buzzed out. I think that made me look like a poor sport.
I knew I was too obviously upset when my opponent said, “I’m sorry.”
“What? Don’t apologize to me for being good and playing the game in the way you’re supposed to play it. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m not mad at you at all. I’m mad at myself for being a terribly idiotic idiot who can’t play one simple game correctly.
I’m mad at myself for having played this game already FOUR times through Basic and still getting out in the worst way. I am so mad at me and not at all mad at you.”
Of course I didn’t say any of that to him in the moment because class was moving along (also, I sound a little like a crazy person, but you know, whatever).
I think that also made a really poor impression on our teacher because now she probably thinks I’m a bad sport. So, that sucks.
It took everything – every single fiber of strength inside me – to not break out sobbing right then and there.
And I know that sounds totally crazy over one little game. (And I also know some of it had to do with a little lack of sleep the night before.) But it’s more than just a game.
I want to be good at The Groundlings. And conceivably I have the skill set. I’m supposed to be smart! (I’m in Mensa.) I’m supposed to be creative! (I got into Berklee and did well there.) I’m supposed to be a good actress! (I’m a union member.)
So, if those things really are true, why are they not translating?! And if they’re not true, then who am I? And do I have a false sense of my abilities?
It’s just so frustrating and confusing! I’m working so hard. So I don’t understand why I’m not better.
And then the rest of class was a total wreck. That drill shattered my confidence. I had a tough time getting up for anything after that, and none of it went well.
And I know that’s probably the very biggest thing I need to work on – coming back better (and much quicker!) from epic, terrible failures.
I’m just so disappointed. And this class sucked so hard. And I can only imagine the notes my second teacher gave my first teacher (if they are sharing notes).
9 classes remain. Let’s see if I can survive.