Picking up from last time –
As we talked about those parallel rhyme issues on the subway, we figured I probably couldn’t get away with doing kind of lazy or messy writing in a meta song about BMI.
(I shouldn’t ever even want to get away with lazy or messy writing – but you especially can’t do it if you’re trying to do something cute and quirky about BMI. You’re really drawing attention to yourself by doing that, so you better make it good!)
So, the song needed to be changed. Yet again. At 10:30 at night, the night before the big day. On the subway, I starting suggesting changes. At first we though we might replace addition with rendition (which sounds a little better, but still gives the same problem, as the stressed syllable is still “dition”).
Ultimately, I landed on the word “composition.” It’s not a perfect word (since I’m presenting just lyrics and not full songs), but it is a perfect rhyme, and a good enough word (as these are still songs, even if I’m only reading them… and composition conceivably could refer to a non-song written piece anyway). So, I think it works.
Then I realized the bridge could be changed by just moving one of the “lation” lines to an earlier part. We’d talked for a moment, wondering if the parallel rhymes could show the person become more of a wreck toward the end of the bridge – but since there were 3 lines instead of all 4 ending in lation, it didn’t seem like a choice.
Also, it’s a choice I didn’t intentionally make – and one I don’t think I would’ve loved, even if I would’ve changed to a 4th lation to make it seem intentional. So, I just moved a line and boom. The song was fixed. (I still thought about other rhyme possibilities, but I think it was good the way it was…) But I’ll just let you decide for yourself. Here are the lyrics.
Set-up: Aurora is in her hotel room, prepping for her BMI audition.
[Song: “I Can’t Breathe”]
I CAN’T BREATHE. YES I CAN BREATHE,
OBVIOUSLY ‘CAUSE I’M TALKING
I CAN’T MOVE. YES I CAN MOVE,
OBVIOUSLY, ‘CAUSE I’M WALKING.
THEY’LL LIKE YOU. NO, THEY’LL LOVE YOU
OBVIOUSLY ‘CAUSE YOU’RE HERE NOW.
HEART BEAT’S FAST. YES, IT IS FAST.
OBVIOUSLY COULD USE BEER NOW.
(I’m kidding. I don’t even drink beer!)
FOR 6 YEARS, I HAVE APPLIED
WANNA BELIEVE I’M ARTISTIC.
GOT MY CHANCE. HERE IS MY CHANCE.
MAYBE THIS IS REALISTIC.
PICKED MY SONGS. RE-PICKED MY SONGS
MAYBE A HUNDRED AND THREE TIMES
THROW ONE OUT. THROW THAT ONE OUT.
BMI DOESN’T WANT NEAR RHYMES.
SHOW THEM DESIRE WITHOUT DESPERATION.
BUT GET ACROSS YOU WANT THIS EDUCATION.
SHOW THEM RESPECT, BUT DON’T SHOW ADULATION.
JUST BRING YOUR LYRICS, DON’T BRING THE NOTATION.
SHOW YOU’RE EXCITED, BUT DON’T SHOW ELATION.
SHOW THEM YOUR PASSION, BUT NOT A FIXATION.
SHOW PERSEVERANCE WITHOUT PERSPIRATION.
SLOW YOUR HEART DOWN, DON’T WANT DEFIBRILLATION.
SONG CHOICE ONE. SONG CHOICE EIGHTEEN
SCATTERED ABOUT THE HOTEL ROOM
ALMOST TIME. GOTTA PICK 3.
PACK UP. CHECK OUT. BYE; FAREWELL, ROOM!
WAS THAT DUMB? WAS THAT RYHME DUMB?
SECOND GUESSED EACH COMPOSITION
WELL IT’S TIME. IT’S ONE O’CLOCK.
NO MORE NEW SONGS. JUST AUDITION.
And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow.