My Downfall At BMI – Part 4 (Missed My Window to Be A Performer)

February 5, 2016

Picking up from last time –

At the time, it made sense to me to miss the Monday. Go to my hearing, maybe get thousands of dollars (which would’ve really been a nice big help in transitioning to NY). Also, take a week to disappear after that just horrific experience of a less than silent room. (I do not know how to explain to you a sound quieter than silence, but I experienced it as we performed and no one liked our song or had a single laugh.)

It didn’t dawn on me that now we’ve all heard each other sing, and now the people who are used in second week will be used over and over because people will see them more, and get used to working with them and they’ll have this great momentum.

Even if i had come back to NY in time for class, the guy had written me a message on my Facebook profile (that might as well have tumbleweeds going across it), so I didn’t see it in time anyway. Maybe one of the terrible lessons in this is to check your Facebook profile more often? (I hate the idea that that might be a lesson – but I did get a very nice union job from a Facebook post once, so what can I say?)

Aaaaanyway, I didn’t perform in his song. I don’t even know who did (since I wasn’t there). I do know that the same handful of girls are chosen over and over and little jealous high school Aurora is coming out a little! I didn’t know she was still in me…

But I totally sit in bed and wonder with my huge one-tear-beginning-to-well-up-in-the-corner-like-in-a-cartoon eyes, “Why does everyone like her or her or her so much more? Is she prettier than me? Does she sound that much better than me? Is she just more likable?
Do people think I’m not a musician ’cause I’m “just” a lyricist? (That is totally a thing in BMI, btw. I mentioned in an old post being worried about it – and I was right (so hard).)

Or – and this is the worst option – am I actually not talented? Am I actually not a good actress, or good singer? Is that why no one is picking me for anything?

I just looked up so hard from my computer ’cause it was something I just don’t want to think about.

We will circle back to this performer stuff, because it will come back. But for now, let’s move on to my second song.

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