Picking up from last time –
[While making the overview, I almost forgot, I did have one just kinda sad post at the time talking about the specific day I decided to technically choose work “over” BMI (which I guess you could argue is the day I truly knew BMI maybe might be over, or that at least it was the beginning of the end). Anyway, I don’t know if this post truly adds anything, but I’m leaving it up for posterity!]
Usually I dress for BMI. I want to seem together and all that jazz.
Today, I super dressed down in a sweatshirt and jeans. What was the point even? It felt a little comeback-less in the moment – and it certainly didn’t feel like anything I needed to dress up. If I’m gonna be invisible that day, why be visible at all?
The morning of that class, it felt like my time was BMI was practically over – as though the obstacles were becoming almost insurmaountable. I had a nice very long cry at the gym.
[Edited to add: We didn’t know this at the time, but now we do – I was up for becoming an editor at the time! And I had to make the decision re: that job – not where I’d quit BMI, but knowing I might not be able to finish if I became an editor…
My boss would do everything in her power to let me do both, but with being a nightly show and all, if it became too much, she reserved the right to have me leave after 1st year. And if I stayed an assistant editor, she promised me both – BMI and my job. (Because the way the workload is laid out, they can work without an assistant on Monday nights, but it’s way harder when you’re missing an editor.)
So, the morning of this class I’m talking about, is the morning I told my boss that I would officially take the job. I wanted the job really badly. And both my boss and I really did believe I would be able to stay in the class ’til the end of the program.
But it was going so, so, so poorly by this time, that I thought if it really came down to it, and I had to leave after 1st year (hopefully for a break, but maybe for good), that my spot in BMI was so precarious, it was worth it to take the gamble to be an editor on a show I deeply loved and cared about… So, I cried that morning, because it was a lot of emotions all at once – taking a job, putting school as a gamble, being free of this decision, and on and on… Anyway, back to the post. So, I was crying…]
In fact, there’s been a LOT of crying over BMI. When I feel overwhelmed by emotions, I just put on “Midnight Train to Georgia” (the saddest song known to humankind!), and I fall to the floor and cry. It’s kind of cathartic.
Thankfully, as of this writing, I think I’m pretty much done crying over BMI. I’ve kind of finally made my peace with it-ish. (I think/I hope.)
I mean, let’s get real. There will be more crying over it… but hopefully less.
I can’t actually give up and quit on it. After all, you neeever know. It could turn around. Maybe. Technically anything is possible. (But I know what’s up-ish… [I know my chances of getting into advanced are craaaaaazy slim. And even my chances to successfully finish both years of the program aren’t looking great!])
I have a very super dumb analogy that I used with a friend on the phone the other night. I hate comparing things to human romantic relationships because things don’t have to be about romantic love all the time (or even often).
[Trying to avoid romantic relationship analogies, I wanted to use more an analogy of something like finding out you only have a few months to live – so you’re living your life with this end date constantly in mind. And you’re trying to enjoy it all as much as you can. And you know maybe with modern medicine you’ll be okay after all. But you’ve kind of made your peace with it, and it’s just a weird feeling. However, it seems maybe a little insensitive to use such a serious analogy when there are people literally dying – and I only feel like I’m dying. But it still seems apt-ish to me….]
But the analogy that seems to be liked better…
I suppose it’s sort of like you’ve been courting someone for 6 years. You are head over heels in love with them. When you could finally be together, you uprooted your whole entire life for them. You left your job, your friends, your perfect apartment – everything – just to be with them. Because they were so worth it to you. They were basically your life.
Then you live in the honeymoon for 5 weeks or so. It’s the best ever. But then you both learn that they need to permanently relocate to go do work in North Korea (or in some place not super safe for American citizens). And they can’t bring their family on their spy, or diplomat, or armed forces work or whatever. They’re gonna be half the world away just forever. And you can’t go with them.
And it’s like, “But isn’t there any way? Isn’t there something?” And nether of you can find a solution…
But they don’t have to leave for another 5 or 6 months!
And every time you see them, it’s so, so painful ’cause it’s like, “My goodness I have loved you for so long. It’s almost like I want to stop loving you right now, because I can’t take having my heart broken a million times over every day from now until the day you leave.”
And I understand that attitude is nearly everything in life. And maybe the correct attitude is “enjoy every moment in the moment right now. Who cares if the person is going to Korea in 5 months? They’re assignment might change!” [‘Cause, like, it might! My position in BMI right now is not necessaaaaaaaarily completely unchangeable.] So, enjoy the time you have now.”
…That has just become exceptionally difficult for me here…