My Downfall At BMI – Part 6 (Yep. Still The Villian. Oof.)

February 7, 2016

Picking up from last time –

I’d stressed my poor composer out so much, that he had written a complete song entirely by himself, just in case I didn’t come through.

I hated that I made someone feel that way. (I mean, really. I can’t believe I did that to someone.) [Edited to add: I’m re-reading this a year and a half later. I still feel bad about it. That was awful of me.]

It was a beautiful, awesome song. And he didn’t get to use it for anything.

Yet, he was so unbelievably cool about everything! He was all, “Eh, what’s writing another song? I write all the time. It’s okay to throw one out.”

At some point when I was telling him how sorry I was about everything (and how I couldn’t believe how nice he was being), he explained, “What’s the point in being a jerk to you? Yeah, this could’ve been an easier process. But there’s no need to make you feel bad. That’s not gonna be productive or make it easy for us to write together.”

He seems like a fantastic example of the way I *want* to treat people. He embodies the whole idea of “when angry, be kind. When hurt, be kind. Whenever, be kind.” [Even though I also want to be the person who’s not making people be kind to them in spite of me doing something to make them angry or hurt etc.]

I am apparently, unfortunately not as evolved as he is.

I thought that over the past couple of years I had been becoming a better person. I’ve been putting work into being more patient, kind, and understanding – into trying to stay calm and really understand people and situations before jumping to emotional glah-ness. I really thought I was becoming this super cool lovely grown up.

Well, BMI shows me potentially I am not.

I don’t really speak to my first composer anymore… I like to believe I’m hopefully not being straight up mean… But I am not necessarily being “kind”! (I’m just kinda being quiet, and never really around him.)

Granted, my second composer also has not spoken to me since our assignment (which he has zero pressure or expectation to do… I don’t deserve to be spoken to after this). So, while he is very kind, maybe it’s still okay to like be kind when you have to be, then cut off when you don’t need to be? ‘Cause why do you need people who don’t treat you well actively in your life?

I don’t know. I am apparently maybe not great at human dynamics in this class.

Anyway, getting back to the story at hand – Composer number two is incredibly cool. He even brings me back food when he runs out to get some while I’m finishing up lyrics for our song.

Somehow we actually make it through writing a song. He made it super easy. If he didn’t like a lyric, he’d explain why. The majority of the time, I’d agree and change it. The very few times I didn’t agree, he’d be like, “Okay, well, I stated my case, but you’re the lyricist. So, you get the say here.”

He was just so respectful and collaborative. And it’s kind of a bummer that I ruined an opportunity to have such a great time. Really, this fantastic collaboration was just waiting there for me! And I was totally wasting the opportunity.

(I even remember after we were paired together, but before I turned in my first song… He was so excited about writing. As we walked down the street after BMI one night, he was (all chippery), “When can we start working on this, Aurora?” I just looked at him exhausted and dejected like, “Sometime after I finish this current song.”)

Sigh. So much sighing.

And this is where I’ll pick up next time.

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