Picking up from last time –
I’d stressed my poor composer out so much, that he had written a complete song entirely by himself, just in case I didn’t come through.
I hated that I made someone feel that way.
It was a beautiful, awesome song. And he didn’t get to use it for anything.
Yet, he was so unbelievably cool about everything! He was all, “Eh, what’s writing another song? I write all the time. It’s okay to throw one out.”
At some point when I was telling him how sorry I was about everything (and how I couldn’t believe how nice he was being), he explained, “What’s the point in being a jerk to you? Yeah, this could’ve been an easier process. But there’s no need to make you feel bad. It’s not gonna be productive or make it easy for us to write together.”
He seems like a fantastic example of the way I *want* to treat people. He embodies the whole idea of “when angry, be kind. When hurt, be kind. Whenever, be kind.”
I am apparently, unfortunately not that evolved.
I thought that over the past couple of years I had been becoming a better person. I’ve been putting work into being more patient, kind, and understanding – into trying to stay calm and really understand people and situations before jumping to emotional glah-ness. I really thought I was becoming this super cool lovely grown up.
Well, BMI shows me I am not.
I don’t speak to (or really barely even look at) my first composer… I like to believe I’m hopefully not being straight up mean… But I am *not* being kind!
Granted, my second composer also has not spoken to me since our assignment (which he has zero pressure or expectation to do… I don’t deserve to be spoken to after this). So, while he is very kind, maybe it’s still okay to like be kind when you have to be, then cut off when that’s done?
I don’t know. I am apparently really not good at human dynamics in this class.
Anyway, getting back to the story at hand – Composer number two is incredibly cool. He even brings me back food when he runs out to get some while I’m finishing up lyrics for our song.
Somehow we actually make it through writing a song. He made it super easy. If he didn’t like a lyric, he’d explain why. The majority of the time, I’d agree and change it. The very few times I didn’t agree, he’d be like, “Okay, well, I stated my case, but you’re the lyricist. So, you get the say here.”
He was just so respectful and collaborative. And it’s kind of a bummer that I ruined an opportunity to have such a great time. Really, this fantastic collaboration was just waiting there for me! And I was totally wasting the opportunity.
(I even remember after we were paired together, but before I turned in my first song… He was so excited about writing. As we walked down the street after BMI one night, he was (all chippery), “When can we start working on this, Aurora?” I just looked at him exhausted and dejected like, “Sometime after I finish this current song.”)
Sigh. So much sighing.
And this is where I’ll pick up next time.