My Downfall At BMI – Part 14 (Uuuuuuuuuugh)

Tuesday, February 16th, 2016

Picking up from last time –

My composer partner¬†also said he wasn’t comfortable that I’d learn it in time for class.

It’s possible he just said that because there was a short window and I’d obviously been someone who works ’til the wire (ish). So, maybe those were his concerns.

But to me, because I get more and more sensitive in BMI all the time, and because the lyricists are treated like non-musicians, it felt like, “I don’t believe you can learn one song [that you’ve been writing to this whole time!] in time for class.”

And it’s like you don’t think I can learn one measly musical theater song – that I co-wrote in 24 hours? How non-musical do you think I am? People go up there and sightread. Tons of performances are nowhere close to perfect. And I will facial and body expression the heck out of this one. What is the problem?

However, he did make some valid points (e.g. how I’d gotten to make a lot of decisions to this point, and I should’ve worked to have us finish earlier), and I didn’t know how to argue any longer. And being afraid of what would happen if I just showed up and started singing when he started playing, I just let him have this one.

This was when it started to feel like I was going so so far down the “wrong” path that I wasn’t sure how to, or if it even could be, turned around.

I now had at least 3 composers in my wake who most likely wouldn’t want to work with me, and I’m sure wouldn’t have anything nice to say to anyone who was considering working with me. (And the whole class is basically about working with people, and finding a partner for second year. So, classmates’ opinions really matter here.)

In addition to the writing and somehow not working well with others thing, no one thinks of me as a performer anymore – and me going up in front of the class to say, “I’m not gonna sing this really awesome super fun comedy song for a woman,” well that’s just super solidifying that – I don’t know if the assumption is that I can’t perform or that I don’t want to perform. But either way, it couldn’t be more wrong. (I hope.) But that’s the vibe people have to be getting.

My composer did ask me to give an intro to our song – which sucked for me ’cause I did not want to chipperly say, “And now he’ll perform it for you” (though I DID! – because contrary to apparently popular belief,¬†I can act in front of the class.)…

Usually I dress for BMI. I want to seem together and all that jazz.

Today, I super dressed down in a sweatshirt and jeans. What was the point even? It felt a little comeback-less in the moment – and it certainly didn’t feel like anything I needed to dress up. If I’m gonna be invisible that day, why be visible at all?

And this is where I’ll pick up next time.

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