My Downfall At BMI – Part 14 (Uuuuuuuuuugh)

Tuesday, February 16th, 2016

Picking up from last time –

He also said he wasn’t comfortable that I’d learn it in time for class.

It’s possible he just said that because there was a short window and I’d obviously been someone who works ’til the wire (ish). So, maybe those were his concerns.

But to me, because I get more and more sensitive in BMI all the time, and because the lyricists are treated like non-musicians, it felt like, “I don’t believe you can learn one song [that you’ve been writing to this whole time!] in time for class.”

And it’s like you don’t think I can learn one measly musical theater song – that I co-wrote in 24 hours? How non-musical do you think I am? People go up there and sightread. Tons of performances are nowhere close to perfect. And I will facial and body expression the heck out of this one. What is the problem?

However, he did make some valid points and I didn’t know how to argue any longer. And being afraid of what would happen if I just showed up and started singing when he started playing, I just let him have this one. (I mean, I’d been bossy on everything else. So, come on. He should get something.)

This was when it started to feel like I was going so so far down the “wrong” path that I wasn’t sure how to, or if it even could be, turned around.

I now had at least 3 composers in my wake who wouldn’t want to work with me, and I’m sure wouldn’t have anything nice to say to anyone who was considering working with me. (And the whole class is basically about working with people, and finding a partner for second year. So, classmates’ opinions actually matter here.)

In addition to the writing and not working well with others thing, no one thinks of me as a performer – and me going up in front of the class to say, “I’m not gonna sing this really awesome fun comedy song for a woman,” well that’s just super solidifying that. I don’t know if the assumption is that I can’t sing or that I don’t want to sing. But either way, it couldn’t be more wrong. (I hope.)

My composer did ask me to give an intro to our song – which sucked for me ’cause I did not want to chipperly say, “And now he’ll perform it for you” (though I DID! – because contrary to popular belief I’m an Equity actress and can pull stuff off!)…

Usually I dress for BMI. I want to seem together and all that jazz.

Today, I super dressed down in a sweatshirt and jeans. What was the point even? It felt a little comeback-less in the moment – and it certainly didn’t feel like anything I needed to dress up. If I’m gonna be invisible that day, why be visible?

And this is where I’ll pick up next time.

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