As far as I can know, this is my last post of general thoughts (for now) about BMI.
There are some days when it’s easy for me to get lost in this rabbit hole of “this was an unfair set-up.”
But in truth, I think I lean on that as an excuse…
Some days it can be kind of easy to say, “Well, if they hadn’t only given me 11 days notice! I mean, how do they expect you to find a job and a place and everything in 11 days? Get real, here.”
Of course, I did know going in that that was the deal. So, if I didn’t want to deal with that, and try to be a superwoman about it, I shouldn’t have applied – and I wanted to apply. I wanted to do this. I do realize it’s not their fault (since they made it clear what the deal was). It’s mine.
I mean, it’d be a little easier (probably) if they gave me a few months of warning (like they would if they were an official grad school). But I’m sure that would’ve come with its own issues…
It’s also easy to get bogged down in, “Well, what if I would’ve had a different partner in the first assignment whom I could communicate with better/be on more the same page with, and had started off on a better foot with a better song?”
And we could ask ourselves these questions all day long. But they won’t change the past.
It’s also been kind of sad to me as I’ve been writing these posts to see old pictures from my first few days there, and to look over at my bookshelf and see the plays I’d bought. I bought all of them instead of renting from the library, because I wanted the little BMI section of my bookshelf – to see, “Hey, look at all the assignments I did there!”
And now it’s my shelf of abject failure.
[*Sigh*]
So, I guess it is what it is. And it makes me sad. And we’ll just see what happens from here. This could be an incredible comeback story. Or this could be the end. I’ll let you know.
[Edited to add: I’m still rooting for the comeback story… But it also had a mini-ending. You can read about it here. Also, in case you haven’t seen the rest of the blog, I was reeeeally affected by being assaulted by someone in the class. So, that didn’t help any of these issues I was dealing with (which were the ones I was comfortable talking about at the time, but certainly not the worst ones).]
[For more on my experience in BMI, you can go here.]
[For the series on sexual assault, you can go here.]
[Thanks!]