So Tell Me… Why Am I Still Sad?

February 22, 2016

[Edited to add: Hi, from the future, for anyone who needs context to this post. The day before this posted, I was raped. And then the day this posted, I started my ‘new’ (same company, but promoted) job… Shoulda been one of the best days of my life. But it seemed a lot of the excitement was sort of deflated from that. So, anyway(!), if you’re wondering “why am I still sad?” like this post was (which, at the time, was trying not to deal with what had happened, and imaging it must be something else…), I think that should probably pretty much sum it up… Anyway! To the original post at hand!…]

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(That’s a line from a song I wrote… that you haven’t heard haha… So, it means nothing to you. But I’m using it as my title.)

I thought New York was gonna be the greatest thing ever. I have dreamed about living there for oh so, oh so(oh so!) long. And when I moved, basically everything I wanted was all happening at once.

I got a job I’ve been dreaming about. I got into the program I’ve been dreaming of. I got an apartment walking distance from Central Park!

I am living the dream – the dream! On paper, it’s all so fantastic. In real life it’s all so fantastic! And I know that.

But I am really struggling, and I’m super sad in this moment. And because everything is changing so much so quickly, it’s almost like I don’t even totally know what’s making me sad! And that’s annoying, because when you can put your finger on something in your life that’s making you unhappy, you can conceivably make steps to fix it (hopefully). But if you’re like, “I don’t know. I’m overwhelmed and my life is a mess” – well, how can you fix that?

Is it because BMI is going ridiculously terribly? (That’s probably a big part of it.)

Is it because finding my apartment was ridiculous, and I don’t love my management company, and I’m wondering if I should’ve taken the Times Square place?

Is it because I miss LA a little more than I ever thought possible. (Also eeeeeeeew real human emotion reason…) Is it because one person who is most exceptionally consistently there for me (leaving me little messages of encouragement all the time, etc.) is someone in Los Angeles, and I’m sad that the person who feels closest to me is 3,000 miles away (especially when New York is feeling a little lonely)?

Is it because I haven’t been working out neeearly as much as I usually do, because I have no time anymore? That makes me feel not as physically strong – which makes me feel generally not as strong in life. (It also means that I’m not getting all those same endorphin rushes I’m used to…)

But, I dunno. This perfect dream fairy tale life has a rockier beginning than I expected. *Wide eyes, deep sigh*

[If you want more context with the whole sexual assault series, you can find it here. Thanks!]

I'd love to hear from you! So whaddya say?