(That’s a line from a song I wrote… that you haven’t heard haha So, it means nothing to you. But I’m using it as my title.)
I thought New York was gonna be the greatest thing ever. I have dreamed about living there for oh so, oh so long (oh so long!). And when I moved every thing I wanted was all happening at once.
I got a job I’ve been dreaming about. I got into the program I’ve been dreaming of. I got an apartment walking distance from Times Square and Central Park!
I am living the dream – the dream! On paper, it’s all so fantastic. In *real life* it’s all so fantastic! And I know that.
But I am really struggling, and I’m super sad in this moment. And because everything is changing so much so quickly, it’s almost like I don’t even totally know what’s making me sad! And that’s annoying, because when you can put your finger on something in your life that’s making you unhappy, you can conceivably make steps to fix it (hopefully). But if you’re like, “I don’t know. I’m overwhelmed and my life is a mess” – well, how can you fix that?
Is it because work isn’t going super great? I love it there, but I don’t seem to totally fit in. And that’s hard and different for me.
Is it because BMI is going ridiculously terribly? I’ve talked about that a little as part of my 52 performances in 52 weeks, but I am oh so sure that we will talk about it more later!
Is it because finding my apartment was ridiculous, and I don’t love my management company, and I’m wondering if I should’ve taken the Times Square place?
Is it because I miss LA a little more than I ever thought possible. (Also eeeeeeeew real human emotion reason – is it because the one person who is exceptionally consistently there for me, leaving my little messages of encouragement all the time is someone in Los Angeles, and I’m sad that the person who feels closest to me is 3,000 miles away – especially when New York is feeling a little lonely?)
Is it because (and this is a super reason for me, I think) I haven’t been working out neeeeeearly as much as I usually do, because I have no time anymore? That makes me feel not as physically strong – which makes me feel generally not as strong in life… It also means that I’m not getting all those same endorphin rushes I’m used to…
When I was talking with one of my good friends (in LA) about “what is going on with me? Why am I sad?” He said, “Well, how much have you been running?” And when I said practically not at all, he was like, “That’s why! That’s exactly why.” And he’s at least somewhat right. Running does so much for me. And I do need it.
But, I dunno. This perfect dream fairy tale life has a rockier beginning than I expected. *Wide eyes, deep sigh*