It Feels Like My 4 Pillars Are Crumbling

February 23, 2016

[Edited to add: Hi. This is Aurora from the future, looking back at this Aurora – from February 26, 2016. Four days before this posting, I’d been raped (and a month before this posting, I’d already been assaulted by the same dude). [There were a lot of issues going on. There’s more all about it in the sexual assault section of the blog.] Anyway, the point is, at the time of this posting, my brain was fried, and I was in some real trouble…. I’m leaving this post up merely for posterity of the blog, but all it is, is a sad girl, in a new city, with a bunch of stresses (some good, some awful) spinning out, with not a lot of real informationally-rich stuff to say…]

Aye aye aye aye aye.

Looking back on the 2015 year in review, it’s interesting, ’cause it looks like, “Wow, look at how great and strong all my pillars are!”

And then I move to New York, and I feel like they all fell apart. BMI’s a freaking mess. So much for that creative pillar doing well.

My running is also a mess. I’m working allllll the time. And when I’m not working, I’m still kind of trying to settle in. (There are still boxes that haven’t been unpacked.) And if I’m not doing that, then I’m usually at least attempting to write songs at BMI. And I know those are just a bunch of excuses. But the point is. I’m feeling a little fat and not great… So much for that athletic pillar! (Gah!)

The “smarts” – What am I doing in that department? Eesh.

Volunteering? Nope. Haven’t really done any of that.

Here I was thinking my pillars were strong. Then they were tested… And maybe they’re not as strong as I thought… And that’s stressful. And a bummer. I thought I’d been doing so much work over the past few years, becoming a version of myself I liked more and more. Is that so easily tumbled down?

On a side note, I think I perhaps should add another pillar (or expand the definition of the community pillar?), because I don’t think I’ve been being a fantastic friend over the past few months. Birthday cards and thank you cards have gone unsent. I haven’t been awesome about asking people what they’re up to. I’ve been kind of selfish in various ways. And that makes me sad… So, it’s not just about the community out there. What about your internal community, you know? I dunno…

I just… I thought I worked really hard to strengthen my pillars, and then all of a sudden I’m put in a new situation and poof, the foundation of my life implodes? How is something I thought was fairly strong so weak? What is going on?

I’m just postulating sadly over here… I have no idea what I’m doing. (But at least let’s try to sing it in the fun way like they do in Up Here. “Iiiiiiiiii have no idea what I’m doing!”)

I'd love to hear from you! So whaddya say?