I’m Having a Pretty Super Hard Time Keeping It Together

February 27, 2016


As you may have generally gathered (especially from yesterday’s post – eesh), things haven’t necessarily been going fantastically since I’ve been in New York.

I’ve imploded in BMI. Work has been crazy in its own special various ways. I’ve been shockingly homesick sometimes. (I never ever thought I’d actually miss LA(?!?!?!))

I haven’t necessarily made a network of people out here. I’ve kind of been alienating myself from BMI people. I haven’t been putting a ton of time or effort into cultivating friendships because I’m “too busy” – or really, maybe, too concerned with myself, or maybe embarrassed or afraid, who knows that – but the point is, I haven’t been connecting with any BMI people.

I’m also having a hard time generally communicating with people in New York. This may be too much of a blanket statement? Just, from what I’ve experienced so far, it seems like a lot of people out here are often sarcastic, or dry, or kind of just literal, maybe. And sometimes when I’m trying to talk playfully or in a fun way, people don’t understand what I mean, or they mistake what I mean for something else.

So there are moments where it feels like I’m in a foreign country and I can’t speak the language. And that feels isolating sometimes…

A couple of weeks ago, I thought, “I cannot live like this anymore. I can’t just isolate myself and focus on things that are going wrong. I’m finally settled enough that I can actually plan things, and do things, and enjoy New York. My weekends are pretty much mine again… I’m gonna live!”

This past weekend, I re- met Cory Booker.

You can tell how much I really am apparently overwhelmed and whatever because there was even a moment of, “Man, I have to go uptown to do something this Sunday?” or even, “I have to be in New York? Maybe I should fly to LA this weekend…”

And it’s like, “Uh, yeah. Be in New York – the greatest city in the universe… the only place you’ve ever wanted to live, since you were in diapers(!). Go re-meet Cory Booker. Go listen to him speak! That’s one of probably your top 5 things to do ever in the universe. Why would you ever for a second think you don’t want to do this?”

So, I did go. I went to meet Cory Booker. And it was magical. I felt inspired. “Okay, everything’s gonna change. I’m inspired. I’m gonna get my life back together here.”

Then I had an exceptional week at work. Things really changed for me there. I got my own office(!). I *finally* felt like one of the main things in my life had gotten on the right track. Other things may not be perfect, but at least one thing was finally falling into place… And it was a huge, humongous thing – the thing where you spend practically all of your time. It was finally time for Aurora’s big New York redemption!

And then yesterday at work….*looks up and around with tears in her eyes, not knowing what to say*

Unfortunately, that’s not a story I can really share here on the blog for now. Sorry… (Maybe we can go out to Denny’s and talk about it!)

I’ll just say that what I believe can probably be described as the very best week of my professional life ended with me on the floor of my office sobbing.

(And not just one of these normal New York cries you’ve come to expect from me now (oof), because I’m overwhelmed, or because I fail at a specific thing or whatever. No, like a fall to the ground, because you don’t have the ability to even sit in your chair any longer sob – as though a cold piece of metal just got stabbed through your thigh kind of sobbing – the biggest, realest sobbing you can picture.)

I wish I could elaborate a ton on here so we could all understand. (And so this wouldn’t be so vague.) And so I’ll remember when I look back on this when I’m 80. (Though I’m preeeeeetty positive I will always, always, remember this day. I’m not worried…)

Anyway, It almost feels like I’m not allowed to love anything in New York…

And I don’t know what to say, really. Because I don’t want this to be the sad blog of sadness, or for you all to think of me as a sad person. I’m not… Or at least, I don’t think I am?… I just – I didn’t know what else to say tonight. This is how I’m feeling. So, I wrote it down, because I just – at this moment – am incapable of writing anything else.

2 thoughts on “I’m Having a Pretty Super Hard Time Keeping It Together”

  1. Having Blvd and worked in entertainment in both New York and LA, I can say that they are very different places. I am originally from Chicago and the comparison with New York can be made. They are similar places. The two coasts need to be taken in as their own places. I loved new York at first when I was there. The hustle and bustle. The energy was electrifying. But, I soon found it was like swimming with sharks : you could not stop swimming. It was exhausting. Los Angeles has a bit of that, but the chill factor is much higher. Easier to rejuvenate. Both are wonderful places. Either one can be a good fit. Either one can also be not right. New York is definitely a place where you can over things and burn out. Be careful of that. Take a breather. Don’t wear yourself out trying to do it all and be perfect. Be in it and see what is and isn’t right for you about it. And go from there.

    1. Thank you so much for your comment, Bkla.

      I thought I hated how chill Los Angeles was. People always tell me I’m the most intense person they know. So, I thought I’d be perfect in New York. But I might be driving myself to an early grave here – guh! Anyway, thanks for the comment. You’re awesome 🙂

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