Picking up from last time –
After those two weeks (once I actually had a place to go home to every night… that was huge for me), things turned around incredibly quickly.
I was on top of, or ahead of things. My boss complimented me for always having stuff done before she asked. She later told me that she had an incredible amount of trust in me, and never worried about the tasks she gave me – knowing they’d be done right and quickly.
She really gave me space to prove my self, and seemed to totally forget those first two weeks – not holding a grudge, or having trust issues or anything.
(This has taught me to perhaps give people a little more belief or benefit of the doubt, as her belief really did everything for me.)
Then, one thing that was a little weird was that even though things started to go great with the most important stuff – being the way I performed my job, and my relationship with my immediate boss – the interpersonal stuff started to get a little wonky…
I’ve been welcomed in with pretty open arms since the day I got there. So, it’s a little silly that I ever felt in any way like I didn’t necessarily totally fit in.
But there was a little dip in time where I just felt like I didn’t fit in super duper well (which I actually talked about in this other silly story).
(I mean, at the time, I understand why… But now that it’s in the past and I have a totally clear head about it, it seems silly – even if it was understandable at the time…)
And then I kind of think when I put myself in that headspace, I started to feel it more… ’cause attitude determines a huge, huge part of life.
Since I was already feeling that way for various little reasons, I started to notice little things that didn’t really even actually matter – such as, “Why isn’t my name on the name tag after all these weeks?” (Um, ’cause people are busy, and we all already know you’re one of the people in that room. It’s really not that big of a deal…)
But you know when little things start to just add and add and all of a sudden some small thing becomes a big thing in your mind. And you think, “where did this come from?!”
My attitude partially may have had to do with everything in my life changing at once. Since so much was happening, and I hadn’t settled in to anything (a routine, a favorite workout studio, an apartment (not even having a bed for a while), and on and on) it was hard to feel like I had a place in the world. I don’t know. Maybe that sounds too lame or excuse-y… Just throwing out ideas here!
I also think I was maybe a bit much to take – running off caffeine and adrenaline and no sleep for maybe 2 months. I was always a little hyper (even for me – whoa). So, I think I was probably a lot to deal with…
So, it is possible people really were distancing themselves, and that me not fitting in was totally in my head. (Or not. Who knows. It’s not all that important right now.)
No real point in over-analyzing it all too much, ’cause things are the loveliest now…
I’ve just never really had that feeling before – like I didn’t really fit in. And it was a weird little feeling (that I’m glad is gone).
And this is where I’ll pick up next time.