I’ve talked all around BMI a lot.
And I’ve mentioned in various posts being there, and not being there, and all that jazz. So, what is the deal? Am I there? Am I not there? What happened?
Well, as you’ve probably gathered, it was going really horrifically terribly – like, really bad. [Edited to add: I’ve stopped keeping it secret that I was sexually assaulted by someone there… So, it was like, really really really bad.]
I wrote one of the moderators basically saying, “Look. I know you’re not my guidance counselor and we’re adults here and everything. But this is obviously going terribly for me. And it going terribly is not at all a reflection of how I feel about it. I want it to go well! I applied for 6 years. I moved 3,000 miles. It means a lot to me, but I am drowning. And I’m having an exceptionally hard time turning it around at this point. Is there anything I can do – any advice you have – any way to not let this opportunity slip out of my hands – to not super fail second year?”
For a while, I’d been hoping to repeat 1st year. I’d wished that almost from the second song. I kept trying to work it out and turn it around, but especially once I’d made it to the fourth song [edited to add: which was just a little bit after I’d been raped, so that breaking point kind of ended me right there], it felt like my world had exploded around me, and it was practically impossible to put anything back together. I needed to build from scratch, or at least I thought. So, my hope was to repeat first year.
And maybe since that was what I really wanted, I should’ve just asked for that. But I thought I’d see if he had advice before I pulled the ripcord. I also didn’t know if it was selfish to ask to repeat. Would that take away a spot from another lyricist? I know how hard I worked to get in! And I’m sure it would be very easy if you didn’t get in, and heard someone else got to repeat, to be livid! “What?! They couldn’t hack it. So they get another chance?! They lost their chance. Give me mine!”
But alas, the email I got back told me that he was aware a ton in my life had changed all at once with moving and a new job and the whole business… [Edited to add: I didn’t mention, nor did he know that I’d been assaulted by someone at the school.] Anyway, he said if I truly thought that after being a little more settled in New York, that I could do better… then I could just start at the beginning of first year again.
It was exactly what I wanted. So, I’m really happy that’s what he suggested!
I talked it over with my boss at work, who, again, can’t make any promises – but is on board to help me try.
I talked it over with people I trusted. Everyone seemed to think it was a good idea. And so did I, for sure.
And we’ll finish off here tomorrow.