Picking up from last time –
And after my talk with the moderator, I just never went back. I thought about going back for the next few weeks. After all, it wasn’t like I was being kicked out. And my job already expected me to be gone on Monday evenings. And I agreed to finish my current assignment, so as not to leave my composer high and dry. (I did remotely, actually from California (as if that surprises anybody).)
So, I could’ve kept going to class. But alas, I just didn’t want to. I was too unhappy. It was too hard. A solution was already in place. So, I was gonna take as much time away as I could between then and September.
My friend was in town when this happened, and I was talking it over with him. While we were checking twitter that night, we saw that Marco Rubio had made his concession speech – and so I gave mine! We laughed and had a great time, and talked about how I wanted to be 2008 Hillary Clinton, not Marco Rubio… ‘Cause I am coming back!!! Hopefully stronger than ever – just like Hill!
Part of me is so relieved to have the break.
Part if me is terrified for next year.
I’m also a little terrified because I’ve now talked about BMI a fair amount on this blog – my excitement in getting in was super wildly documented. (I talked about auditioning and getting in for over a month in September/October of last year!)
I’ve talked about my failures. (They’re woven in to many posts. And I have some posts about those specifically.)
BMI is all over this blog.
And next year I’ll be with a whole new class of people. And it’s possible they will google this and come across this stuff. Or even if they don’t, I’m sure it won’t be hard for it to be found out that I’m in for the second time in a row (even if I never mention it). And I don’t love the narrative of being the failure. I already felt like I had something to prove. I don’t want to doubly feel that way. And I already felt like I wasn’t necessarily always taken seriously as a musician, or that my ideas weren’t always valid (since I’m in as a lyricist, and also, I’m a woman). And I really don’t want to feel like that again – and it will be so much easier to treat me that way now(!). As if it wasn’t a hard enough uphill battle already… “Oh, you failed. You don’t know what you’re doing.”
So, I’m nervous. But alas, we’ll see….
As a side note, I was very shocked that they allowed me to repeat. I always thought of BMI as such an exceptionally tough thing to get into that I thought it was very much one and done – you succeed or not.
But, I remember touring Juilliard when I was looking at colleges. And one of the acting students there told a similar-ish story to my BMI one. (I don’t know their details. But they felt like they were drowning, just as I did…) And Juilliard worked with him, and he’d totally turned it around by the time I’d met him.
So, I guess maybe once a place really believes in you, they really try to help… I dunno.
But I do hold hope that things really can turn around! (Maybe. One can only hope!)