[Edited to add: This was written by a girl who’d been sexually assaulted twice in the months I talk about in this post – who was still in an on-again/off-again relationship with an abusive guy, and trying to keep it together… I remember reeeeally trying to put a positive spin on things at the time. But only after re-reading this do I realize how sort of good at it I was. [Personally, I think it’s only the last paragraph where you can even start to see the true despair…]
Anyway, while this may not toooootally reflect everything I was feeling at the time, it obviously reflected what I was trying to feel/how I was trying to look at things. I’m leaving it up for posterity. Now back to the original post: “I Feel Like I Woke Up From a 7-Month-Coma”]
And that’s super exciting and stressful and lovely and crazy all at the same time.
As has been told on this blog, I moved to New York in a whirlwind. I practically don’t even remember October! (I mean, I do remember it – pretty vividly even haha. But there was a looooot going on.)
I got my apartment. I went back to LA every weekend. Then November came. I did a marathon and stayed in Philadelphia for a week. I started working as an elf at Macy’s Herald Square. (So, yet again, all my weekends were booked.) I was still doing BMI at this time. Then I went home (to LA) for two weeks.
Bam, January.
I had friends visiting 4 weekends between Jan and Feb, and any other weekends were spent trying to catch up on BMI songs and sleep.
Then, finally, toward the end of February, things started to get a little more normal. I started actually settling in to my apartment a little. I started working out again. I started seeing friends and all that jazz. I started being able to think about more than just the immediate decisions in front of me. (e.g. “What am I going to sleep on?” “How do I get my stuff here?” etc.)
Now I’m beginning to reach out through various groups (and twitter and such) to people in New York to try to make a community. I’m so used to saying, “I’m new to the city.” But now it’s been 7 months! It’s gonna be a year before you know it! How new to the city am I really?”
I was meeting with someone new. They asked me the story of how I got here and everything, and I told them my crazy story. They were impressed, but then I realized that was about 7 months ago! And I thought, “Oof! That was such a cool story then, but what am I doing now?”
‘Cause if you look at my life exactly as it stands in this moment… I am not in marathon shape. I am taking a break from BMI. I really don’t have a ton going on… Really, all I am in this moment is an editor on The Nightly Show.
Of course that’s amazing. It’s fantastic! It’s a wonderful, beautiful thing to say that makes me feel so good about myself.
But I don’t want to be defined by just that one thing. What am I doing performing-wise right now? What am I doing health-wise? What good book have I read lately? What interesting New York thing have I seen?
It felt like – I don’t even know what metaphor to use here – like I was walking through fog and woke up in a whole new meadow (NY vs LA), and when the fog lifted I thought, “Whoa! This looks different! Where am I?!”
Or like there was a huge weight on me that I didn’t even realize was crushing me. But now that it’s gone, it’s a relief, but it’s also doing that thing where your body doesn’t respond well when it’s being un-crushed… So… I don’t know. I still kind of hardly know what’s happening… But I am beginning to do some things here and there. And now it’s time to get my life back together… I can’t just practically black out for 7 months at a time, or I’m gonna die and have no idea where my life went.
(That’s not a fun thought. So I’m gonna stop typing now. Bye! Until tomorrow! :-))