[This is my last little weird existential weird moving post from May…]
It’s weird, language…
I still don’t call New York home. And it’s possible that might start to help things…
I have gone through little spurts here and there where I start to call it home and then I kind of fall off. But as it stands now, every time I go to LA, I say I’m going home. And then when I’m coming back, I’m like, “I’m gonna go back to New York.”
And I usually then follow it up with, “I’ll be back in 28 [or however many] days.”
And I think maybe that language is hurting me.
[Edited to add: When I came back to LA yet again on one of my summer hiatuses, one of my friends commented that it’s like I actually still live in LA and I just commute to New York for work when they need me… which is actually kind of exactly what it’s like.]
I also still have stuff at my LA place – a bathing suit, toiletries, a towel, socks, a workout outfit, etc. I have stuff so I can come right in and be settled and happy while I’m there.
If I didn’t have super cool roommates and an amazing set up in LA… If I didn’t get to keep a home there, sometimes I wonder if that would affect my move – if I’d be more forced to just get in to NY and love it… or if I’d be more overwhelmed and/or stressed…
Or maybe I’d just take more little trips to Long Island and Philadelphia and such (as I’ve been doing).
I mean, I don’t know.
I don’t have to know, since that’s not the situation. But it’s all just weird to me how it’s working out.
It’s weird to me that when I dreeeeeeamed of living in New York, I said over and over that I didn’t understand people who wanted to go on vacation.
“How could you ever get stressed here? How could you ever, ever want to leave?” I’d ask.
“If I lived here, I’d never vacation, ’cause there is literally nowhere else on Earth I’d rather be.”
And now that I actually live there, I’ve gone away almost literally every chance I’ve had…
So, life is weird. Words are weird. Circumstances are weird. And perhaps I should change some of mine if I want to actually focus on settling in, in New York… or not. I dunno.
(I mean, I’ve talked about this struggle before.)