I have drafted and re-written this 1,000 times…
I don’t want to do a huge preamble or anything. But I don’t know the words to use. I don’t know how detailed to get. I don’t know if it’s smart to talk about this… etc. etc.
I don’t foresee wanting to talk much about this outside of this post. (Though I suppose we’ll see…)
I feel silly because I’m basically saying something without saying it… And that’s so lame. I know – either say stuff or don’t say it. It’s just that…
However, this is a post I feel I have to post, because I don’t think my moodiness or just general attitude make any sense without finally copping to it, to some degree.
I think it’s very confusing for people as to why I fly back and forth to LA all the time, and why I seem moodier and sadder than you’ve probably seen on the blog – and why it all revolves around stuff that shouldn’t be so hard, or mean so much…
For instance, I talk about work struggles, or writing struggles, or being a little lonely, or whatever. And it’s like, “Why is this affecting you SO much? That literally doesn’t make any sense.” And since that has been pointed out to me, let me address it with one post…
Earlier this year, I experienced… I mean, what do I even want to say? I experienced a trauma…. Or just straight up say I was assaulted…?
It’s hard ’cause that just sounds so blame-y. And I don’t want to be a victim. And I don’t want to hold anger. (Although, not wanting to hold anger doesn’t mean that I’m not sometimes… Though I’m trying to work through it..)
The point is, I don’t want to make this about anyone else. It’s merely about how I’m dealing with this. (Spoiler alert: Not well.)
Ultimately, I’m kinda fine. [Updated in August: Even still, I go to doctor’s appointments at the hospital pretty regularly… I could’ve sworn the whole relying on the hospital thing was over after the open-heart surgery stuff. Alas, I guess I was wrong.] [Edited to add: I know when I originally posted this, the words “sexual assault” seemed to “mean” or “scary” or whatever… But there is a program at the hospital for survivors of sexual assault, and that’s what I’m going to.]
I feel very vulnerable posting about this… Which is partially why it’s so hard. Is this a little too personal, perhaps…? I mean… what is too personal on this blog? I don’t know the line anymore…
And it’s especially hard ’cause I’m in the smack middle of it – not on the other side with perspective… But how do I say nothing at all? Do I just change and go through this period of moodiness and sadness and constant escapism, and never explain why?
I’m just realizing that it has affected me more than I thought – which is why I thought I had to address it (if that makes sense – I’m sorry, because I realize I’m rambling a little… Surprise, surprise, huh?).
Anyway… I now associate New York (a place I was pretty sure I loooooved) with a night that I have flashbacks to… Right now, I just have an exceptionally hard time separating them.
And that’s part of the reason why I’m always saying the jury’s out on New York, and why I run away so often to be in a place (where I didn’t even realize) I felt fairly comfortable…
Unfortunately, it basically seems like it was the absolute perfect storm of all these hardships and little things going wrong until this one thing happened that was the straw that seemed like it broke me (especially because it felt like I had practically nothing really here – not a strong support system here, nor home/apartment with great memories, not a bunch of favorite workout classes and instructors… just not anything really that would help).
And I don’t want to be “broken.” And I hate to label myself that way… And I know it’s not 100% true. And I know that one experience does not define a whole city (and does not define me). I am just having a really rough time.
(And I’m sorry because I think I’m rambling (even still) and repeating myself a little. I just… have no idea what I’m doing…)
In some of the toughest moments, I’ve reached out to a helpline which has been exceptionally helpful, and they’ve helped direct me to some amazing resources.
And you better bet I’m going to start giving to charities I never thought I’d need, but am now so happy exist. (And if you work at any of the places that have been helping me get through, I honestly cannot thank you enough!)
At this time, I don’t always feel like talking every day on the blog… (Though I do still want to keep it up…)
And until I do feel like I really can do daily posts about my life, I’m gonna be posting some stuff from my drafts (when it comes to old stories I never finished, and just some old thoughts, and such). So, if you don’t mind, tomorrow, I’m gonna start the story of going on the Zonk Redemption episode of Let’s Make a Deal. And then I’m gonna talk about working in television and my trajectory there.
(Sorry, by the way to mention something and then not want to actually address it. I’m not meaning to vague-blog. I just – I didn’t know how to say nothing at all. But I absolutely have no interest in telling the detailed story on the blog – or anywhere in an even semi-public place, or really to barely anyone in a private space.
It’s just… it’s just weird… This is the first time since I’ve started the blog where something like this has come up – not a project or plan or something I chose to do and blog about… Just something that’s there that I don’t necessarily want to talk about, but it’s just become something I can’t ignore completely. It’s just weird. This is the first time a big-bad life event happened without getting a ton of time to get perspective before I wrote. And I just don’t know what to say…)
I have no idea if any of this made sense. I’m sorry y’all.
I obviously have no idea how to write (or kinda non-write) about this. Thanks in advance for your respect and friendship. xoxoxo
And that concludes this. I will try to quietly deal with it (or potentially not quietly… I guess we’ll see what happens), and move forward. Thank you!