Aurora's Blog

[This is from the sexual assault series of blog posts, if you’d like to read any more on it.]

So, this is a weird post.
(And sorry if it’s slightly on the serious side – guh.)

As you may have read in May, I’ve been dealing with something kinda rough for the past few months. And I’m still hesitant to talk about it… Though it kind of just is what it is.

I have been over it in my head approximately one trillion times… I mean, really. I’ve had nightmares about it. I’ve talked to a therapist about it. I’ve zoned out and thought about it on planes, at work, with people – just a lot.

I ask myself over and over every single detail of those days – “Did you have to do this or that?” “What would’ve happened had you not gone there instead?” “What would’ve happened if you’d gotten distracted and didn’t see a text message asking you to come over? What if you hadn’t looked at your phone at all?” “What if… What if… What if…” Over and over and over and over and over.

I ask myself every single minuscule detail about the whole entire day. And I know that’s not healthy. And I’m trying to stop.

But whenever I get a little overwhelmed, or get back into that thought tornado, I just remind myself, “the 99% is worth the 1%.”

What I mean by that is that I love to live an adventurous life. I am consistently randomly going out and doing stuff (hence the recent example of ending up at the Snoop Dogg concert at the DNC). And I love it.

I love my crazy life. I love the adventures I’ve had. I talk with such joy about the 2 months during the 52 half marathons project when I randomly bussed/flew around parts of the country. That was awesome. And I even got so super mad when the kidney psychiatrist person insinuated that I should’ve been afraid to travel alone as a young woman…

And I’m not saying she was right. And I’m not saying if you live an adventurous life that bad things are going to happen to you… I’m not justifying when those bad things do happen. I’m just saying the incredible fun that I’ve had living the life I do with the lifestyle I do… To me, the 99% of amazing things that happen are worth the crappy 1%. That is my new mantra (haha).

(I put that “haha” in because the word “mantra” makes me feel a little silly, and I feel silly so kinda desperately needing that mantra right now.)

I have to think that the 99 outweighs the 1.

And I do. I think it. And I believe it.

And while I may question every detail of a few fateful days I had with my abuser (god willing, not for the rest of my life, but for a while still) I then also have to ask, “What if I wouldn’t have moved to New York on a whim and gotten promoted on the best job of my life?” “What if I hadn’t signed up for that ultramarathon that gave me so much strength and joy?” “What if I hadn’t gone to The Price is Right when my roommate was too busy to hang with his friend in town who wanted to go?”  “What if I hadn’t done a million of the things that have made my life oh so super wonderful?” What if that?

I can’t say I’m happy about that 1%… But the 99 outweighs the 1… And I’m gonna keep trying to put as much stuff in that 99 as I can!

[To see all the posts from this series, you can go to the sexual assault page.]