Honestly.
What’s happened? Where have I gone? What have I done? What is the deal?
Was it a circle, or was it a path? Did I get anywhere, or not really?
It definitely felt like a dream (with some parts that were a nightmare)…
My editor job was a dream for sure.
Anyway, let’s think about this for a sec…
Last year, I got my acceptance into BMI (finally ;)). And I got a job in the Jon Stewart family (finally! :-)). And I got to live in midtown Manhattan (finally!).
All of my dreams super finally coming true all at the same time – which is crazy and wonderful and gorgeous and perfect.
And then I basically failed BMI (and have to re-start year 1).
And then I “failed” in the personal life/apartment sense – both in the not-as-big-of-a-deal-fact that I kind of feel like I picked the wrong apartment in the first place, but also in the bigger-fact that I was later assaulted in that apartment… and now have so much trouble sleeping there, or working there, or just feeling comfortable there at all… And I escape it every chance I get.
(p.s. I’m sorry ’cause I feel like I’ve mentioned the assault a lot lately and I don’t want it to be a part of every post – as I don’t want my life to revolve around it, and I don’t want this rain-cloud over everything… But it’s a part of what’s going on, so sometimes I feel it’s part of the story that needs to be mentioned.)
And then I lost my gorgeous perfect job (because our show was cancelled).
So, 3 super-long-time dreams all both came true and then flamed out – all in the same year! So that’s weird, right? That’s a freaking LOT in one year. (Or, at least it seems like a lot to me.)
And I get it, that they’re kind of privileged problems. “Oh, wah wah. You’re having flashback issues with your gorgeous apartment where you live alone in NYC? Move on. Or move to Queens. You get to start over with your musical theater program? You get a second chance? Be quiet about your non-problem problems, Aurora.” I get that.
But I dunno. I’m struggling a little. And maybe we can look at the bright side of everything…
Work: I got a fantastic credit that will hopefully open tons of doors, and I met an entire staff of people in New York, so I finally potentially have a big enough network to stay and work and live here.
BMI: I learned a fair amount about how to (hopefully – oh my goodness hopefully) be better at that freaking program and do well in the program. (Hopefully. We’ll see…) And now I get a second chance to potentially prove myself.
Personal: Maybe that was just my little starter apartment. And maybe being forced-ish to move (’cause I need to get out of there), will help make a fresh start after this year. Maybe. I don’t… I haven’t come up yet with a super silver lining for being assaulted ’cause it’s been not fun and exceptionally hard…
But the point is, there are potential bright sides to the year…
OR, we can say I’m exactly right back where I started – about to start 1st year BMI, unemployed (well, I was employed on a union show in CA last year, actually), and with a precarious living situation in New York.
So, did I move forward? Did I move backward? Did I stay still? I don’t even know. (You’re welcome to comment your thoughts. I realize I’m inviting potentially mean ones in. It happens. It’s the internet. Feel free to tell me all about what in the world you think of this weird year, if you want!)
[To see all the posts from this series, you can go to the sexual assault page.]