I promise…
[Edited to add: In case you’re happening upon this post randomly, the reason I had such issues with New York is because I was assaulted/hurt/in an abusive relations there. For more, you can go to the sexual assault page.]
I have such a weird relationship with New York right now. Such. a. weird. relationship.
It was the only place in the world I wanted to live.
Here are some semi-recent things that show how weird my relationship with New York has become…
1) When I went with B to audition for BMI, as we rode through the city in the uber to the airport (to go back to LA (and her to Ohio)), I looked out the window and watched the gorgeous city as it passed by. And I told her, “I will come back. I have to come back.”
I also remember when I would uber from work (at The Nightly Show) to BMI after I got into the program… When I was super struggling in BMI (and really, also at work, at first)… Yet again, on my way there, I’d watch the gorgeous city outside the window, and I’d whisper to myself, “I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to leave. Please let me figure out a way to get it together, as I do not want to leave and cannot leave yet”…
And yet… Recently, when I landed at JFK, I cried so hard ’cause I didn’t want to be back in New York…
Is that, or is that not insane?
I. didn’t. Want. To. Be. Back. IN NEW YORK.
When I was younger (pretty fresh out of dropping out of college) and trying to move here and make it work, I stayed in a homeless shelter when I was running out of money, because I would rather sleep on the ground there, with rats running by me, than voluntarily leave New York – that is how strongly I felt.
And now I go anywhere but here.
2) When I went to Ohio for almost a week and looked through a bunch of my old stuff, I found bins and bins of Playbills, and ticket stubs, and all kinds of “I love New York” gear…
It. was. everything. I ever. wanted. growing up.
Speaking of said “I Love New York” gear, I have this great mug from my BMI trip with B. (It’s in my apartment – my apartment I freaking never go to, as I escape it aaaaaaaaall the time.) But I remember “decorating” that apartment! (I put decorating in quotes because it is so half-done (since something awful happened there, and than I basically stopped after that).)
Anyway, when I was first moving in, I was looking at all sorts of cool New York murals for my wall because I loved New York. I wanted to walk home through the city and then keep myself surrounded in the city, because there was nothing I loved more in this world.
I never got one. And when I went to California recently, I had breakfast with an awesome twitter friend. We ended up sitting at a New York-themed deli, and he was like, “You can face the skyline!” (the photo behind him). He was being so sweet. And unfortunately, my brain’s first reaction was, “Ugh. I do not want to see the city.” …That made it so much easier to focus on him though! (Silver lining!)
…And this post is getting a little too long. So, let me pick up here tomorrow!
[Or, to see all the posts from this series, you can go to the sexual assault page.]