I’ve been thinking a lot about BMI lately.
And I know it’s not good to dwell on things… unless you can actually learn from something or change something now. If you can change a situation to make your life better, then sure, pour over it. Figure it out.
If a situation went super incredibly poorly and there’s something you can learn from it, then sure, figure that out too.
But if a situation just went poorly and I pretty much, kinda, did the best I could with the information I had at the time, then can I just freaking let it go, or what?
Perhaps not, since I’m writing about it right now.
But after all this time to reflect… Here’s what I think… Maybe… I don’t know…
I think, for me, that ultimately, it was indeed important that I repeat first year. I think I did learn a lot about just kind of how to do BMI basically. And I *think* (I think!) I can have a much more successful (and happy) first year.
I also quit when there were only 2(!) assignments left… All I had to do was the Death of a Salesman song and the 10-minute musical.
Granted, the 10-minute musical is a huge assignment. I’ll admit that.
But no matter how miserable I was, there were only two assignments left.
I had a nice place to live. I had a steady, gorgeous, beautiful job. Those things don’t just last forever in New York.
I was in a nice position to do first year.
So, while I had the ability, perhaps I should’ve just finished – still letting my professor person know I wanted to repeat, still not picking a partner and totally planning to repeat. But at least I would’ve actually completed first year…
And then, when my job (and potentially my apartment) were all taken away, and after I had a little time away to try to work through things in my life… Well, I could’ve potentially soldiered forward, and maybe done 2nd year alone or something, or deferred completely for a year and picked up in second year.
Those things might’ve been hard, and maybe wouldn’t have been possible. But I would’ve given myself so many more options had I just been able to stick out just 3 more months…
Again, I realize that I desperately needed a break. I realize that I was miserable. I realize I was not doing well. I realize I was in a new position at work, that kind of more demanded I be there on Monday nights – especially when my boss was going on maternity leave, so we were already a little more short-handed than usual.
I realize that. I try to see that. But I also see, “Oh my gosh. What’s 3 more months? You have that in you, don’t you? Don’t you, Aurora?!”
…But I guess I didn’t.
I also sometimes go back even further. “What if this, what if that? What if I’d done better at BMI?” …But the only thing I’ve had to remind myself 1,000 times is that if I’d been doing better, I would’ve never taken the promotion that would’ve jeopardized BMI… And then I would’ve missed out on the best thing in the world that ever happened to me.
And if school had to be painful to get there, so be it.
Still though. I wish I would’ve just made those three months work. Sigh. Too late now!