I said that back in May. And I still think that now. Because I don’t want to be a victim. I don’t want to make this about the person who did this – at all. I don’t want this to be about him At. All.
I am not here for a takedown or a public he said/she said argument. I am not here to blame or bring somebody else down with me. I am here to talk about how this is affecting me…
I also don’t want to seem like I’m weak or incapable. I wouldn’t want a potential employer reading this, thinking I can’t handle my job.
I wouldn’t want a potential suitor reading this thinking that if we are totally into each other it won’t ever be possible for him to back me against the wall, lift me off the ground, and have his way with me – that I’m no longer sexual or fun or whatever…
I don’t want any of the stigma that comes along with this… [Though, of course I am aware that talking about it publicly opens the door to that.]
So… why am I talking about it, you may ask.
And the answer is… I don’t know how not to.
My behavior from the year (and even now) still doesn’t make sense if we don’t take this into account. But I don’t know how to change my behavior… yet.
This has affected my life in every single way.
And I am going to lay them all out, soon-ish, as I continue to figure out what in the world I’m doing here and how to talk about this…
It’s like there are just so many layers here – there’s the multitude of ways it’s affected me. There’s the scariness of speaking out publicly. There’s a lot to talk about and I’m not 100% sure how to tackle it or what to say or what order to say it in.
But we’ll get to more of this tomorrow.