Picking up from yesterday –
So, okay, just getting back into the chronological story of it all –
He sexually assaulted me. I tried to downplay it, and “move forward.”
He sexually assaulted me again.
He ignored me when I tried to tell him how upset I was (whether it be in that very morning in the immediate aftermath, or anytime after).
When I was sort of holding my breath that Sunday/Monday, hoping things were maybe, or at least could become, normal – he forgot my first day of my promotion (which felt a little insensitive).
And again, I tried to push forward and be as perfect and non-complain-y as I could be, asking him how to make him happy.
And then he got wildly angry with me – for something that he did have a right to be angry about… But maybe not quite this angry? (I don’t know. Again, maybe it’s unfair to judge his emotions…)
So sorry to get into yet more details. But I think it’s important to the story that after he assaulted me, he gave me a month of basically the silent treatment… And I think that if I don’t explain how that happened, it’s too confusing.
So, basically, the short version is, before the (second) sexual assault, he had done something that really (super) hurt my feelings – nothing as serious as assault, but still bothered me a lot. He set up expectations (he did… for something important to me) that he didn’t meet, and kind of half lied to me about it too.
[Edited to add this bit in: It’s so dumb thinking about it now. I’ll just tell you, so it’s clear. It was whether I was going to sing for this BMI thing. He kept telling me how great I’d be and how he wanted me to sing. Then later, he got somebody else (the half lie from him is within this small ridiculous story somewhere and ultimately not important). And he had never even pitched the idea of me singing to his writing partner because he was like, “I didn’t want anyone to know we’re sleeping together. So, I didn’t want to bring you up.” And that’s an okay stance to take (I guess, even though I’d hate the idea of sleeping with him affecting my opportunities, but in his songs, he can do whatever he wants…) But, the way he went about it all was hurtful. It was hurtful that he said about a million times that I’d be so great and he wanted me to sing (when he could’ve kept his mouth shut and not offered in the first place, if he didn’t want me to). It was hurtful that he knew I was struggling in BMI, and more stage time would’ve been potentially really helpful for me. Supposedly, we were friends and if that was the case, he could’ve looked out for me a little. It was hurtful that he straight up told me he was going to suggest to his writing partner that I sing, and he didn’t. There was a lot of it that was hurtful. It didn’t reeeeally have to do with singing. It had to do with how he went about it – and how he often (even outside of this singing thing) would set up expectations and say he would do something (that would be his idea in the first place), and then not do it, and then act like I was unreasonable when I’d be upset about that. And I tried to tell him multiple times that he’d hurt my feelings doing that (because just a simple apology (and maybe a change in behavior, and not doing that anymore) would’ve been nice). And he just kept brushing me off.]
Sooooooo, I may have, maybe, posted that story of my hurt feelings on a social media channel. (I did.) (It’s no longer up.)
Since I knew some of our mutual friends *might* see what I posted (even though I didn’t think anyone who knew both of us was really paying that much of attention to me), I made sure it was so anonymous. I triple checked that there were no details that pointed to him (and I made sure any specific details could apply to at least a few other people I knew, even if people were reeeally paying attention).
And just FYI, it wasn’t even the most personal story of all time. It had nothing to do with sex or assault or even “dating” or any of that. It wasn’t anything other than the story of a friend who hurt my feelings.
When I posted it, I tried to be fair. I even partially gave his point of view in the post – saying that maybe I was overreacting, and giving reasons why perhaps I’m not totally in the right.
And I thought it might help me to get the story out, and to maybe get points of views from other people – to see if maybe I was indeed overreacting.
And I knew that he might read it, as he often read things I posted on social media. (He even had alerts set up for certain outlets of mine, as far as I could tell.) And, even knowing that he very well might (and probably would) read it, I hoped that maybe, just maybe, if he could read it in calm story form (since he seems to love narrative stories), maybe his brain would process it differently and he’d see how much he hurt me (since none of my words talking straight to him helped at all).
Now, let me admit, that’s kind of childish of me. It’s not respectful to take my private, personal problems to social media (whether it’s one of the more private-ish platforms or not). After all, there’s a reason people say, “@ me next time!” I do try to be cognizant of that type of stuff, and I do think that obviously I didn’t have to do that, and that wasn’t the best way to handle the situation…
I know it can be rude to talk about that stuff on social media (she says literally as she is typing a blog post aaaaaall about a personal traumatic time).
So, perhaps my pants are catching fire, or my nose is growing, or whatever happens when you say, “I shouldn’t have done that,” but then you do it again anyway…
Though, in this instance, I think a lot does depend on context and the person and other stuff… And I think it is right and important to tell this story of abuse in full, but I think that story of an innocuous friend thing on its own was unnecessary to post, and I’m sorry I did it.
I don’t want to judge people’s emotions (as different events affect people differently… It’s totally valid for him to be mad.) And I don’t want to get in this game of “well, you did this. So my thing isn’t as bad!” However, like, objectively, a somewhat small transgression where you (accidentally) hurt someone’s feelings, I just feel like isn’t as bad as sexual assault (et al). I mean, call me crazy, but I dunno….
So, he got wildly angry with me. So angry. I got quite possibly the meanest email I’ve ever received (and that includes messages from internet trolls). I was ripped apart for being so incredibly selfish and malicious (and on an on with the mean adjectives). I was told I didn’t respect his privacy, and he couldn’t believe I’d violate his privacy for personal gain.
(What personal gain I was possibly getting out of it is beyond me… Usually if you post on Facebook or any social platforms about problems, that doesn’t excite people, or make you look good, or give you personal gain of any kind…(For the most part, if often makes people roll their eyes at you.) I am not saying I did something good. I’m just saying, I don’t see what nefarious plans or malicious intent I had…)
Anyway, on and on. Sooooooo, so mean – not about how I made him feel in this instance. Not that I did a specific bad thing that upset him. No. I was a “selfish person.” The statements became big and sweeping about who I am – literally less than a week after getting a huge monologue about what a wonderful perfect incredible person I was… So, it was jarring to say the least. And quite confusing.
And then he said he needed space.
And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow.