A Side Note On Nervousness Here (Re: Sexual Assault Story From Yesterday)

Monday, October 31st, 2016

There potentially could be a narrative of yesterday’s story where some people think he was “helping me” [barf] to get over my “issue” of not being ready to have someone in my bed yet.

Most people don’t look at it that way, but some could. And some do…

And all the sex stuff is so hard, because there are things that are nuanced. And I know this idea I’m about to talk about is a little nuanced… But I also think it makes sense.

I think there are at least two kinds of nervousness in the world…. There’s “I’m going flying trapeze!” nervous. And there’s “Did you hear something? Is there someone in the house?” nervous.

The kind of nervous I think of as “flying trapeze nervous” is like, “Whoa. I am a little afraid because I’m gonna be flying through the air and that’s a different experience than I’m used too.” And as you walk up the ladder and the tension builds, your heart starts to race a little and maybe your hair stands on end. And it’s like, “Ooooooooh I want to do this. I most definitely absolutely want to do this. This is going to be a super fun thing that I really want to do… But this is nerve-wracking. Aaaaaaaaah!”

And then there’s the “someone in the house” nervous – where you’re just worried/scared. You don’t want them in the house. It’s not exciting. It has some of the same elements, in the sense that your heart might be pounding and your brain overloading. But it’s not exciting, and you want out of the situation, not deeper into it.

I have most definitely been flying trapeze nervous before or during sex. Sometimes you’re nervous about a first time with something, or a new partner, or a new move, or a new location, or a new anything… Or sometimes you’re doing something that’s not new and you’re still excited/nervous for any number of reasons!

I have absolutely expressed to men before, “I’m a little nervous about [blah blah blah… usually cuddling haha, sometimes other stuff].” And it’s like, “I want to do this with you. But if I’m a little shaky or weird, that’s why.” And they get it, and they’re patient, and sometimes they check in if they feel they need to, and it’s cool.

And in this instance, I was not “flying trapeze nervous.” I was “stranger in the house nervous.” I think it’s really pretty clear which is which. And I think if you ever have a question about which is which, it is more than okay to ask. (It’s necessary.)

And I don’t want to get too super nit picky about sex. But I really do think this is a really important distinction. And it is SO important to me, now that I interacted with a man who truly thought he was “helping” me by ignoring me, I want to scream out that it’s not anyone’s job to “help” me get over something that I don’t have an interest in “getting over.”

If I don’t want to have sex in my bed, it is suuuuuuper easy for you to accept my invitation to let me pay for an uber to your apartment. If there’s a reason we can’t have sex in your apartment, let that be a conversation. Tell me why. Maybe we’ll get a hotel. I don’t know! But don’t force yourself on me in my own bed because you think it’s for my “own good.”

And I know that I’m giving a specific example, but I’m not the only woman this type of thing has happened to. And it’s important to me that we all start understanding that women are not broken things men are meant to fix. We are allowed to have opinions! And they deserved to be respected. And if there’s a legitimate problem or a thing you don’t understand, or if you actually want to “help,” … Don’t assume stuff! Talk those concerns out loud!

Thank you very much.

I'd love to hear from you! So whaddya say?