Picking up from yesterday –
My goodness, I am tired of talking about this, and I’m guessing you are too. So, let’s try to plow through a few more posts, and finish the story.
Basically, after he did some apologies on that long hang out night, it almost felt like I had to be taken down a peg. If I’m given even the slightest hint of “control” or “power,” I’m gonna pay.
And the next few times we talked, he’d talk down to me a little or be just a little mean.
And I will willingly admit that at this point, I was indeed probably a bit too sensitive to it… Some of the stuff would not have been nearly as bad on its own. But – just as a metaphorical way to think about it – if someone hurt you so much and so deep that your arm is covered with third degree burns, if they poke you a little, it hurts (because you already have 3rd degree burns there!).
Whereas, if someone poked you a little in your normal, healthy arm, you’d hardly feel it and it would be fine.
So, I’ll admit that with my anger always bubbling at the surface, I was perhaps sometimes too sensitive. We kept talking and fighting and talking and fighting and trying to figure out what was going on with “us.” We were in the land of “really trying to work on strengthening our friendship and then we can see about the other stuff.”
And I just couldn’t live in that half world anymore. He wasn’t my friend. At one point, I thought he was, but he obviously wasn’t. So, I begged for us to meet shortly because I wanted to discuss what happens from here. I can’t have him in my life in this capacity. And we’re gonna see each other a lot. And I just want to be on the same page and end as nicely as humanly possible…
In his defense, I may not have been clear on that in how I phrased it.
(In my defense, I was typing through tears because he just kept needling me and pushing me and I’d gotten to the point where I was feeling so bad about myself, I often woke up crying, and randomly cried at work sometimes.)
I think, the way I phrased it may have been less like, “I can’t have you in my life in this capacity. Let’s please figure out what we’re gonna do moving forward,” And maybe sounded more like, “You’re not gonna be in my life anymore!” (Especially, read that with an angry tone and I see where the confusion lies.)
I offered to meet him anywhere practically anytime. I’d willingly let him control all those elements of the situation. Breakfast? Dinner? Public? Private? Whatever he wanted…
I just wanted to know how we’d treat each other – especially when we ran into each other at functions. Are we gonna ignore each other completely? Are we gonna make small talk? Are we even going to keep each other’s numbers? Like, what happens from here when we’re still gonna be around each other’s circles? Where do we stand? Do we have anything else we need to say to each other?
And he was like, “Well, if I’m not in your life, I’m not in your life! You don’t get to tell me that you don’t want me in your life, but then control exactly when and how I leave it, or when I’m in and when I’m not.”
I begged him, ‘Please don’t be like this…. After all these months of knowing each other, and some happy memories, can’t we at least just have one conversation – even if you want to do it on the phone and limit it to 10-15 minutes.’
But no. I was being “too dramatic.” And he “doesn’t want drama” in his life.
I knew he was gonna be in my neighborhood that night (as he’d already told me). I begged him to let me just talk to him after the show he was seeing. And he said nothing. So, I thought, “I’m just gonna try to see him. ‘Cause I can’t live like this anymore.”
And I do understand that this is the part of the story that makes me seem like a crazy person. Because I do just show up. And we can totally look at it from his point of view for a second and be like, “What?! She doesn’t want me in her life and then she shows up somewhere she knows I’ll be to try to talk to me anyway? What the heck is wrong with her? That’s crossing a privacy boundary.”
And I’m not gonna argue that I was in the right here.
But from my point of view, what happened was… I was assaulted (twice). Then I was given the silent treatment for a month (so, unable to talk to him about it or try to have any resolution), crying myself to sleep every night – and wondering how I was going to please him in order to “make things better.”
Then I was mercilessly made fun of, ignored, gaslit, and controlled.
And then when I was hoping for at least a civil end where we could discuss how we’d interact when we did see each other because I knew I’d see him all the time, I yet again got in “trouble” with him (for basically phrasing things wrong, or asking for too much (by hoping for a 15-minute phone call with someone I’d been involved with in some capacity for many months)…
And I did not want to spend another month trying to figure out how to get back in his good graces, after making him soooo angry by being “dramatic” or whatever… another month trying to brainstorm and work out apology gifts. I had been controlled at every single turn. So, I showed up in an attempt to have just a teensy tiny bit of control.
I don’t want to excuse or explain away bad behavior, but by this point, I think most people would’ve understood if I’d keyed his car or something (which is impossible because he doesn’t have a car, and that’s illegal anyway, and not something I could see myself doing – but just something I see on social media that I was trying to compare this too)…
Ultimately, trying to run into him wasn’t at all my finest moment. It wasn’t cool. It wasn’t nice. It wasn’t healthy. And I have to take responsibility for that. But I’m just hoping you can see it in the context of everything and at least understand why that part happened.
And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow.