Sooooooo… Do You Want To See Him, Or Do You Not?

Saturday, November 19th, 2016

Just piggy-backing on my long story I just told…

I do realize there’s some stuff that doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t even make sense to me, so how could I expect it to make sense to anybody else?

I feel like I generally explained everything… So, I’m hoping this one isn’t overkill…

But even I almost find it confusing how hard I worked to try to be friends, and yet how I also then talked about running away from New York and our friend group – and trying never to see him.

Like, did I want to see him all the time or never at all? What did I want?

I wanted normalcy…

I thought that meant I wanted to be friends. I thought that would “protect” me in group settings. If we could be friendly and civil and end it like I would want any other relationship to end, things would be better, I thought…

I also thought that he was potentially a good man whom I happened to just keep having a rash of misunderstandings with. (I mean, that’s incredibly far fetched – the number of “misunderstandings” we had were too much for even a Three’s Company episode, let’s get real.)

But I wanted to believe in the good.

And yet, every time I see him, I can’t help but see, “It’s time,” and “everybody cries during sex,” and “I knew you didn’t want to but you needed to” and all of that. I still get sick at the sight of his face.

The last time he and I had breakfast together, I sat there and didn’t order anything and when he asked why, I told him, “because I’m so uncomfortable around you, I can’t.” (Almost every time I saw him after the assault I was unable to eat around him…)

However, we still did have moments of closeness and comfortability in the 7 times I saw him after the assault… I mean if you asked the group of people we were with the one time there was a group setting, they probably didn’t know anything was wrong…

And isn’t that what I wanted?(!!)

But despite moments of comfortability (and even some touching(!) – some reeeeeeal touching going on, especially on that plane…), or some nice conversations… I still was at least a little sick every. single. time. I saw him.

I still just never got fully comfortable around him…

To this day, I still cry during sex sometimes. I still wake up from bad nightmares sometimes.

I thought I could find it in me to forgive and move forward.

And we’ll never know if it would’ve happened this way, because it didn’t… But I believe that had he just apologized at the beginning – had I not gotten the (basically) silent treatment for a month, had I not been told that none of it was a big deal and on and on… Had he just said, “Oh my god. I’m so so so so sorry. I misread the situation,” or “I didn’t hear,” or “I didn’t understand”… Anything like that… I really think I could’ve moved forward. But he didn’t.

He stood by his decisions. And he joked about them. And he reveled in them. I brought them up a million (slightly hyperbole there) times, and every time I got some new version of how it didn’t matter, or how it was all so funny, or how he was in the right (about my body and my boundaries)…

And now we don’t speak.

The almost ironic thing is, is that while working SO hard to work things out with him, I actually just kept getting more and more hurt, and more and more sick by seeing his face…

I wanted to work things out, in large part, so I could stay in the musical theater world without issue. And in this moment, I’m avoiding that scene more than ever before… I don’t know if that’s ironic or sad or who knows what… But… I thought taking a hard stance and having animosity toward him would’ve hurt more or been more problematic, but looking back on it now – in this one specific case (even though I want to believe in resolving things, in this one case) it probably would’ve made me more comfortable and happy… Things seemed to get so much worse by trying to make them better…

And when it comes to the part about not seeing him anymore, most of the time, I feel this incredible sense of relief that I’m not feeling like I’m holding my breath anymore by having him in my life. But then sometimes I have a nightmare and I think, “Oh my god, we should definitely be nice to each other again, because that will stop these!”

And it won’t…And you’d think I would’ve learned that by now. But I still get that visceral feeling sometimes… And that feeling is lessening all the time… But it’s still there every once in a while…

So… I don’t know if that made any sense at all… But if you couldn’t tell whether I wanted to see him or not, you’re not alone. I couldn’t tell either…

I'd love to hear from you! So whaddya say?