Part of me feels like this could be an unnecessary post to write.
But I feel like I need to say something, because I feel I’ve been very “blame-y.” And I feel kind of justified in that, because I think what we’ve been talking about (sexual assault and things that surround it) is important… And I feel that I gave a very truthful look at the full story of everything that happened (even if it is from my perspective)…
But that’s the thing, because it is my perspective, I almost feel I need to give a quick reminder that he has his own view of things too..
And I’m sure I don’t necessarily need to say that out loud, because you know that…
But still, I think just because it’s relationship adjacent, and relationships generally don’t involve one person being 100% in the right and one 100% in the wrong… it feels weird to a) talk about all this and b) do it in the way in which I’ve felt I needed to (and the way I felt was fair).
I do remember a lot of fights and details and such (a lot, a lot – since things have played over and over in my brain for months). But there may have been conversations I don’t remember (or am not thinking about – or even some I am thinking about), where I was confusing, or maybe was meaner than I think, or unfair in some way… I’m sure there are texts I’d be surprised to re-read, or nuance things that maybe got lost in this big overarching story.
One example of something that I’m pretty sure must’ve bothered him is… I certainly know there was a time when we were fighting (before the second assault, not even about sex stuff at all – just about him talking down to me in general, or not respecting me) in which he kept getting mad at me for “projecting” on him.
And I would apologize profusely… “I don’t know why I’m projecting on someone who’s being so wonderful to me… Yeah, you are such a good guy… Gosh, I’m being such a jerk! I don’t know what’s gotten into me… I’m so sorry. Thank you for pointing that out to me.”
But then I’d get mad all over again when I’d inevitably feel spoken down to again… It was just this circle over and over. And I didn’t mean to be insincere with apologies. I truly thought that I must be crazy or projecting (because he was so confident in telling me I was, and because he was so wonderful sometimes).
So, I’d apologize, ’cause I’d legitimately think I was wrong… But then I’d still get mad soon after, when I’d get spoken down to again… because, you know, I was so hurt (and he was systematically doing bad things and then blaming me)…
And while I see that from my side – how I was confused (by all the gaslighting), I’m sure it was very confusing for him.
That would be annoying to have someone (me) acting in such a confusing fashion. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. You’re so great/Oh my goodness, I’m so mad. For the love of god, please stop talking down to me.”
You know what I mean? (After all, I was always annoyed when he would be confusing, so he rightfully would be too when I was).
And we can tell me as much as we want, “Well, you were being manipulated!” or “you were trying your best!” etc… That doesn’t change how it must’ve felt for him.
So, while I tried to keep my narrative as objective as I could (at least as much as I could from my point of view), I just think it’s potentially worth noting that I’m not perfect (as much as I’d like to be), and he has a narrative of his own. And I’m sure a lot of this was frustrating for him as well (though I do most definitely think it would be a false equivalency to say our frustrations are equal)…
And I don’t mean to be walking back things I said, or shrugging and saying, “Welp, it just didn’t work out and everybody’s equally at fault.” Because it’s not that…
It was a nighmare. It was something like an 8 or 9 months nightmare [*with a couple extra months where it seemed like a dream at the beginning]. And a lot of unfair things were done. And me trying to leave some room for some compassion here doesn’t take away all of that.
And I think we can blame him for the assaults 100%… It is SO weird to say I feel I can blame someone 100% for anything… But, I spent many months trying to put the blame on myself… And that’s not really right. I think we don’t have to say, “Well, I should’ve been louder. I should’ve been this or that” – especially because he already said he knew where I stood, but was “helping” me.
So, he can get the blame on that. But in all the relationship stuff around it… I don’t think I can blame him 100%. That stuff isn’t all cut and dry… And I just thought that was worth mentioning out loud.