[This is from the sexual assault series of blog posts.]
That cracked article I mentioned was so interesting to me. And I just wanted to expand on some things it brought up for me. The idea that women want sex even when they’re saying no is a real idea embedded in some people…
[Trigger warning: This post talks about a situation that may be triggering for people who’ve experienced sexual assault.]
Here is a small story I have not yet shared about sexual assault guy – because it wasn’t nearly as upsetting to me as the other things I have shared so far. But it does have to do with consent, so I think it has become relevant.
There was one night at his apartment… It was actually the first night I ever slept with him…
We’d been having sex all night and then all day long. Like, a lot. And he asked me to stay over again, which I agreed to.
He told me he had a mountain of work to catch up on. And I said that’s great. I’m super tired anyway. (After all, as we’ve established, I was the busiest I’d ever been – this was on the tail-end of moving to New York on a whim, having a more-than-full-time job, plus a part time job (as an elf), and being in this stressful/prestigious school program… I. was. tired.)
[Edited to add: If all of that is new information to you, you can get the low down on the overview here.]
He gave me his robe to wear, and as I tied it tightly shut, I flirtily, kindly (but nonetheless pretty firmly) told him I was “closed for business” until he finished his work.
And he thanked me (profusely). He was like, ‘I would’ve never been able to have the control to do that myself with you. So, thank you. Because I really need to get this done.’ (And he asked me to make sure he’d finished his work before we did anything else, and I said okay!)
He stayed up and worked in his office. And I went to bed. I woke up at some point in the middle of the night, and went to get water… The way his apartment was set up, I had to go through his office to leave the bedroom. And when I came back through to go back to bed, he stopped me.
“I need a break,” he said, flirtatiously.
I was sort of flirty (but also with an underlying real/insistent tone) back, when I said, “What did I say? …I’m closed for business ’til you’ve finished.”
“Oh, but come on. I need a break.”
“Hey. Not with me,” I said, as I turned around to go back to bed.
I will readily admit I was still pretty flirty-ish at the beginning here. I mean, I liked him. I wasn’t about to be a rude jerk. But I’d also made him a promise that I’d help him concentrate. And because I liked and cared about him, I wanted to stay true to that promise.
But he didn’t let up. He physically stopped me, turning me toward him.
“Come on.”
And it continued, around and around – versions of, “I want it, come on, I need a break from work,” with me responding, “No. Hey, not now. Stop. Come on!” Over and over and over.
And each one got a little less flirty, and a little more insistent.
And even still – even in the middle of escalating “no”s and “stop”s (over and over and over), he took off my robe (as I physically tried to hold the belt shut).
He pushed my hands away. He backed me up against the edge of the bed and then onto my back as I said, “Come on. Come on. What did I say? Stop. Hey!”
He climbed on top of me as I was literally saying no and stop.
Over and over and over.
Granted, I guess you could argue that even if I was being firm and insistent, I wasn’t yelling. But, I was definitely showing signs of more/growing agitation/distress, and a tone that says, “for real, can you stop please?”
I don’t know if that makes sense… I just don’t want to paint a picture of me screaming “no,” with terror in my eyes because that was not what was happening…
But what was happening was that I said “no,” or “stop,” or something along those lines – very clearly where I could easily be heard – I would venture to guess in non-hyperbolic terms, at least 26 times from when I walked through his office to when he was on top of me (after pushing my backward and having undone a robe I’d physically tried to keep shut).
And I was getting a little more legit afraid the more aggressive he became.
I really believed he was going to enter me, even though I was saying, “no” and “stop,” and I had my hands up on his chest, physically pushing him away from me (not like I actually thought I was actually going to overpower him it was just another way for me to try to say, “hey, come on, get off me”… I was literally pushing him away.
And he was just about to enter me – I mean, he was right there, I could feel him lightly touching me there, about to go in – and I’m still saying no. And he looked at me as though a lightbulb went off. And he said, “Oh! You’re saying no!” And finally, he relented.
Much later (many months), after I was trying so hard to point out that I had truly felt unsafe with him in general overall, and that he didn’t listen to me (often), I gave this as an example (outside of anytime he truly hurt or assaulted me, but I still thought pertinent and relevant)…
And we’ll get to his response tomorrow.
[This is from the sexual assault series.]