This is a question I’ve been asking myself often nowadays. I’m pretty sensitive to how I’ve been feeling/acting lately.
I know that it’s at least semi-unhealthy to live in a world of “old me vs. new me.” It might be better to just realize this is where I am now, and then try to improve upon anything I don’t like.
But I liked who I was…. And I’m in this semi-weird spot of questioning so many things… “Is this normal, or is this a problem?”
E.g. I’ve always been at least a little messy (sometimes a lotta messy). If my apartment is becoming a little unhinged, is that because “Well, I’m just messy Aurora,” or is it a sign that I’m not keeping up with my life as well as I used to (and maybe too sad to clean)?
If I’ve been invited out to do something, and I just lazily sit at home, is that because I’m so anxious around people now that it’s a real problem I’m not going out… or am I just taking a little alone time that everybody needs (even me (a hyper-extrovert) – even back before anything happened!)?
If I keeeeeep meaning to send a thank you card or a gift or something and I just keep not doing it… is that because I can’t handle normal responsibilities now, and can baaaarely function in this world? Or is it because some things in life slip through the cracks? (I literally still have a few cards somewhere from the 52 half marathons in 52 weeks project that just somehow never made it to a post office… Everybody forgets (or misplaces, or some such) thank you cards at least sometimes.) So, is that? Or am I too depressed to get things done in general?
If I spend nearly a day sleeping because I neeeeeeded it… is that because I’ve been traveling so much lately, and working crazy hours, and racking up miles for my 882 Project, and I need to catch up on sleep? Or is it because I’m super depressed and it’s easier to just sleep (and that’s a symptom I should maybe be worrying about)?
These, and questions like these, are questions I’m potentially asking myself way too often. I probably have to allow myself to be tired and to be human. But am I “allowing” too much? I mean, I guess as long as I’m generally functioning – as long as I’m getting to work and such, I guess that means everything’s okay-ish? (Maybe?)
But I want to be more than someone who goes to work and then goes home (and that’s it – and(!) only ever in an uber, because she’s uncomfortable walking outside and coming into contact with people).
I want to more than just a robot who turns her brain off all the time (if she can).
And I guess that’s why I’m asking these questions of myself. ‘Cause am I becoming this unfeeling robot-like-half-person barely making it through a day, or am I just being human? …Sometimes it’s kinda hard to tell.
[This post is from the series on sexual assault.]