I Was Afraid No One Would Find Me Sexy Again… (But I Learned Sex Can Still Be Dope & Exist After Sexual Assault)

Friday, January 13th, 2017

There are a few layers to this…

I was afraid nobody would ever find me sexy again because sometimes I get overwhelmed or cry during sex. And That’s not sexy.

I was afraid no one would find me sexy because I feel like there’s some kind of “mark” on me (like an imaginary one), but a mark that I’ve been assaulted. I’m no longer one of the “good” ones.

To skip a dumb side thing (if this post is too long for you), just skip this next part between these lines:

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I was afraid no one would find me sexy because I got a weeeeird insecurity complex in large part (mainly in part) to the fact that on the morning I was assaulted (and sobbing and all that business), that man would not – wooooould. not. – stop getting on me about not having an orgasm. (Would. Not. Let. Up.)
Over and over and over in my head, I hear him making fun of me still – partially because he made fun of me for months about it. So many of the times we spoke about that morning it revolved all around the fact that I did not have an orgasm…
At first, I played along a little, doing my best to laugh it off – trying to be a “good sport,” to keep the situation “light” (too light, for sure) until it was a more appropriate place or time for “serious talk time,” but he was relentless. There’s only so much ribbing someone can take (especially for something so seemingly unfair).

I mean, I shouldn’t have been expected to have an orgasm under those conditions… And I’d orgasmed for him literally hundreds of times before…
But because I didn’t orgasm that morning, I never got to hear the end of it. Seriously. Never.

Literally in the final time we ever spoke, he took one last jab… When I was trying my best to make it wildly clear, “Hey, I felt exceptionally unsafe and you need to know that….” (because even if we weren’t gonna be friends or even acquaintances anymore, I wanted to try my best to make him understand, so that he never treated another woman this way), he said something like, “So, it’s not all about that orgasm you didn’t have… I mean… You didn’t orgasm.” *head explodes*
YES, We all know I didn’t orgasm that one time that one morning when you were not listening to a word I said – the morning I continue to have nightmares about. But please, please continue telling me how inadequate I am as a woman…

Aaaaaaaanyway, I’m tangenting (to something that may or may not come up again, who knows… It does bother me a lot, but it’s bad enough he made it all about an orgasm. I don’t want the sexual assault story to become the orgasm technique, because I really believe it’s basically a diversion. It was bad enough I was gaslit for so long, I don’t want my blog to be gaslighted as well. (I wasn’t sure which was the correct past tense, so I just used them both.)

Anyway.

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Getting to the actual important part of this post –

I was worried no one might find me sexy again, because I had this incredible fear that instead of guys being able to think of me as a sexy/strong woman who happened to be sexually assaulted – that they’d think of me as the “kind of girl who could be assaulted” – that instead of placing the blame squarely on the man who did it, that they’d think, “Oh, she must not be clear enough about her wishes. It’s risky to have sex with her… I don’t want to become an assaulter” – as if instead of being a girl who was assaulted, I’m someone who can cause a man to become that if he’s with me…

And I know that’s super faulty logic, but there are articles online written by men saying to never sleep with a woman who said she was assaulted because of those reasons… So, what if no one ever wants to sleep with me again?

Thankfully, that has not been true in the least. Men totally still want to sleep with me. Brilliant, hilarious, sweet, kind, super hot, lovely men want to sleep with me. Incredible men. Like, “Why in the world would he want to sleep with me?” type of men.

And I’m like, “Where have these men been all my adult life? Hot damn!”

In fact, side story: (And I am sharing this with the expressed permission… (maybe even a little enthusiasm ;)) of this crazy hot, crazy brilliant man I met last week.

One of those 3 men I met on the street? You bet we spent an amazing night together.

(I know some people are gonna say to be more careful. But I refuse to be afraid of being alone with men, or having sex. I’m not going to stop my life because of something that happened to me.)

And here was the best part – he seemed more and more attracted me the more he learned about my accomplishments. He seemed to think I was pretty and all, but all the running and projects and everything… He seemed to like it. I have a huge project coming up this year (post coming on the 19th) that involves both running and sexual assault. And when I told him about it, he wasn’t like, “Oh god, another one of those women obsessed with sexual assault.” He was like, “Hell yeah! Get it, girl!”

And that’s the kind of man I want to sleep with (and thankfully got to sleep with this weekend).

Smaller side story (I’m gonna say a couple of graphic things about my sex life, so please don’t read if you don’t want to hear that):

Just to show even more about his awesome feminist side – when we were out at 3 in the morning with his friends, one girl was like, “Make sure he licks your pussy. He’s gotta earn you.” (I so don’t ever think of sex as something a man “earns” because I think of it as equal and enjoyable for both of us. But…) I didn’t even have to say anything, because he piped up right away with, “Of course I’m gonna lick her pussy first!” (What?! *surprised/excited face*)

And he did. (He told me he’d read this. (Hey there!) So, I wanted to brag about him a little. (He deserves it. haha :-))

Feminist. Selfless. Giver of Orgasms. Mmm, mmm, mmm, it was nice.

I write all of this just to say to the women who love sex and want to make sure they have sex again – it’s not always easy for me anymore. I do cry sometimes. I do need to take breaks or whatever if I get overwhelmed. That hasn’t gone away. But, I have had some amaaaaaaaazing sex this year. And I believe it is so possible to have a vibrant, beautiful sex life after being assaulted.  (This, I think, is also a post for me for when I get in my head thinking, “Sex will never be the same!” It might be (it will be) frustrating sometimes… But it still has goodness (greatness) (fantastic-ness) (amazing-ness) in there.

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