I Was Afraid No One Would Find Me Sexy Again… (But I Learned Sex Can Still Be Dope & Exist After Sexual Assault)

January 12, 2017

I was afraid nobody would ever find me sexy again because sometimes I get overwhelmed or cry during sex. And That’s not sexy.

I was afraid no one would find me sexy because I feel like there’s some kind of “mark” on me (like an imaginary one), but a mark that I’ve been assaulted. I’m no longer one of the “good” ones.

I was worried no one might find me sexy again, because I had this incredible fear that instead of guys being able to think of me as a sexy/strong woman who happened to be sexually assaulted – that they’d think of me as the “kind of girl who could be assaulted” – that instead of placing the blame squarely on the man who did it, that they’d think, “Oh, she must not be clear enough about her wishes. It’s risky to have sex with her… I don’t want to become an assaulter” – as if instead of being a girl who was assaulted, I’m someone who can cause a man to become that if he’s with me…

And I know that’s super faulty logic, but there are articles online written by men saying to never sleep with a woman who said she was assaulted because of those reasons… So, what if no one ever wants to sleep with me again?

Thankfully, that has not been true in the least. Men totally still want to sleep with me. Brilliant, hilarious, sweet, kind, super hot, lovely men want to sleep with me. Incredible men. Like, “Why in the world would he want to sleep with me?” type of men.

And I’m like, “Where have these men been all my adult life? Hot damn!”

In fact, side story: (And I am sharing this with the expressed permission… (maybe even a little enthusiasm ;)) of this crazy hot, crazy brilliant man I met last week.

One of those 3 men I met on the street? You bet we spent an amazing night together.

(I know some people are gonna say to be more careful. But I refuse to be afraid of being alone with men, or having sex. I’m not going to stop my life because of something that happened to me.)

And here was the best part – he seemed more and more attracted me the more he learned about my accomplishments. He seemed to think I was pretty and all, but all the running and projects and everything… He seemed to like it. I have a huge project coming up this year (post coming on the 19th) that involves both running and sexual assault. And when I told him about it, he wasn’t like, “Oh god, another one of those women obsessed with sexual assault.” He was like, “Hell yeah! Get it, girl!”

And that’s the kind of man I want to sleep with (and thankfully got to sleep with this weekend).

Smaller side story (I’m gonna say a couple of graphic things about my sex life, so please don’t read if you don’t want to hear that):

Just to show even more about his awesome feminist side – when we were out at 3 in the morning with his friends, one girl was like, “Make sure he licks your pussy. He’s gotta earn you.” (I so don’t ever think of sex as something a man “earns” because I think of it as equal and enjoyable for both of us. But…) I didn’t even have to say anything, because he piped up right away with, “Of course I’m gonna lick her pussy first!” (What?! *surprised/excited face*)

And he did. (He told me he’d read this. (Hey there!) So, I wanted to brag about him a little. (He deserves it. haha :-))

Feminist. Selfless. Giver of Orgasms. Mmm, mmm, mmm, it was nice.

I write all of this just to say to the women who love sex and want to make sure they have sex again – it’s not always easy for me anymore. I do cry sometimes. I do need to take breaks or whatever if I get overwhelmed. That hasn’t gone away. But, I have had some amaaaaaaaazing sex this year. And I believe it is so possible to have a vibrant, beautiful sex life after being assaulted.  (This, I think, is also a post for me for when I get in my head thinking, “Sex will never be the same!” It might be (it will be) frustrating sometimes… But it still has goodness (greatness) (fantastic-ness) (amazing-ness) in there.

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