At the time this is posting, the decisions have kind of already been made about leaving NY vs staying in NY, leaving school, vs staying in school. And they were so exceptionally hard.
So. exceptionally. hard.
All of them – whether to leave school in the first place, then how long to defer, then whether (in the time I was deferring) it would be better to go back to California and just be “home” and “safe” and try to work things out there, and come back “strong”… Or whether it was better to stay in New York, “tough it out,” refuse to leave the city, and be like, “Hey, this is my home now. And he can kind of push me out of school, but he’s not gonna push me out of this city. He might change my life, but he’s not gonna run it.”
I also had worries that if I went to California, I’d never come back. California felt so safe. It’s a place I know. It’s a place I already have a network. It’s a place where it would be conceivably easy (or at least pretty easy) to work and live. Do I wanna “go back for just a bit before I come back stronger,'” knowing it’d probably start to seem reeeeeeal easy to never come back?
Also, if part of what’s “hard” or “triggering” is being in New York itself, don’t I need to learn how to live here? Even if I “get well” in California, will that last in New York? Or if I stay in New York to just “tough it out,” am I making things so much exceptionally harder on myself for no real reason? Am I just kind of torturing myself just to do it?
The questions/answers became way more apparent in the perfect storm of The Nightly Show being cancelled, and sexual assault guy coming back to school in a way I didn’t think he would (making me want to defer one more year), and me having to move apartments, all at once.
And I’ll pick up here soon.