[This is a back post from the beginning of the project. Sorry I wasn’t able to post it until now.]
Sort of tangentially related to yesterday… Because I was talking about reasons why I was potentially a little apprehensive to sort of stand up and make this kinda “my cause” for the time being…
Another thing I considered is how… I sometimes think about if people were to distill me down into a list of 10 things – what would they say? … And what would I want them to say? What would be the 10 things I hope people take away from me?
Caring and ambitious come to mind right away. I’d want “performer” or “writer” or “creative person” or something like that to crack the top 5.
I think it’s possible they’d say, “open-heart surgery” somewhere in there, because that was a big giant glaring part of my life – but I do think people would be less likely to say it now than they were like 5 years ago.
And then I ask myself, do I really want “sexual assault survivor” in the top 10 things people will say? Like… not. really.! (No.)
So, in trying to just “embrace” the new kind of narrative or whatever that my life has been given – in trying to just own it instead of trying to sweep it under the rug as best as humanly possible, am I defining myself in a way I don’t really want to – and/or don’t have to be?
I’m not sure.
I hope it’s not on my list forever. But I think about the sad fact that it’s on the list now. But I tried being preeeeetty quiet about it and that didn’t work well. So, I’m trying this. And hopefully it’s not a dark spot on my 10 things list. Hopefully maybe just maybe it becomes an empowering spot…
And if it is a dark spot, then hopefully the other 9 things make up for it. I suppose we’ll see!