[Trigger warning: sexual assault.]
I thought a lot about what I wanted to do on this day (yesterday). I knew it would most likely be a hard one. So, I wanted to get it “right.”
(Of course, I am allowed to change what I do in future years if I don’t get it “right” this time (or even if I just change my mind of what I wanna do).)
I also knew I’d have two different anniversaries for the two different times it happened by the same guy. (Eeesh.)
So, do I want to treat them differently? Which one was more painful in my opinion? And does that ultimately matter?
…By the way, the answer to “which one was more painful” is that I’m not sure… My opinion changes on that kind of depending on the day and what/how I’m feeling. I think certain things are more painful in each of them. I think the first one hurt my feelings the most, because it was such an incredibly ridiculously clear breach of agency. (Telling me “it’s time.” Ignoring me. Telling me later, “I knew you didn’t want to, but you needed to,” as if he was helping me get over my ‘dumb bed rule.’)
The second one is more visceral. I have way more nightmares about it. It felt like it got so out of control so quickly. But because he just kept stating how everybody cries during sex and how he thought it was ridiculous that he could possibly be making me uncomfortable and that I must be upset about something else – we could make the small argument, I guuuuuess(?), kind of, that he truly was oblivious – that he honestly (somehow) thought he was “comforting” me. And if I give that insane leap of empathy, it actually makes it almost, kind of, sort of (iiiish), a little, perhaps, better, because then he’s not willfully ignoring my sense of agency. He just doesn’t hear it for some reason.
And, I dunno. They’re both awful. I don’t know why in the world I feel the need to ever ask myself which is worse.
But I did sort of wonder about my thoughts on them in the sense of – would it affect what I did for the anniversaries.
Originally, I thought I’d maybe spend one of them doing stuff for other people (perhaps specifically assault victims, if I could handle it). And one anniversary would be spent just being selfish. Just being like, “Look. Something awful happened to me today. So, I’m making this day all about me.”
(And I thought that potentially differentiating my feelings about them would help me to know which thing was more appropriate for which day.)
But ultimately, what I decided was that for now, for the first one, I did something for me, something for someone else, and I had sex. (I think that’s also gonna be a really important thing to me – making sure I have sex on the anniversaries every year, so that sex never gets too super weird for me… Just like a reminder that this should be fun and cool and all good, if that makes sense.)
So, I had sex. (A sweet friend came over before work to check that off.)
As far as the something for someone else stuff, I’d been meaning to take these very large bags of sheets and blankets down to this place that serves the homeless. (It was a bunch of extra stuff I had moving from my bigger apartment to my smaller one.)
So, I dropped that off. They seemed happy, so that was lovely.
Then I went to workout at one of my favorite places (Pop Physique). (That’s what I did for me.)
So, something for myself, something for others, and sex…
It was basically a great day… Kind of. Well, it was a great day. But it was a hard night. And that’s where I’ll pick up tomorrow.
[This is from the series on sexual assault.]