The Missing (ish) Piece Of The BMI Story – Part 3 (Feeling Pushed Out)

Wednesday, February 1st, 2017

Picking up from last time –

I was talking about feeling ostracized and not going to some stuff. The 3 weeks between the 2 assaults is murky. I don’t blame my taking a step back solely on him. A lot was going on. I was struggling in my class… It’s hard to know what piece was what…

But especially after the second assault – when things really imploded… I felt ostracized by him. I don’t necessarily totally think that this man was purposefully maliciously ostracizing me. He has better things to worry about than me. But I know I felt like pretty ostracized – especially when he implemented that whole 30 days of (basically) the silent treatment (and seemed suuuuuper mad about it in the process).

He could’ve calmly told me I’d done something to upset him and that he needed some space, and said anything at all to make me feel safe in the company of colleagues or classmates or what have you (which I had actually kind of even done for him, sort of, a few weeks earlier… I might tell that story at some point…), but instead he sent me the nastiest email I’ve ever received, and made me feel like we were mortal enemies until he would decide we weren’t.

And of course, in that time, I felt very very odd about stuff at BMI.

Because no matter who he is or what year or program he was in, he was known by many and well-liked by most. He is exceptionally charming. And he tried to go to oh so many things all the time. If you were involved in BMI, or went to anything done by people in BMI, you were likely to see him.

That’s smart of him. I don’t blame him for that… But that certainly didn’t make it any easier on me.

And I don’t remember if I put these in my BMI posts, or havene’t mentioned it yet here, but I used to sit in the back and write lists of things I was thankful for… That wasn’t a product of class going so poorly for me. That was because I was struggling with this huge thing that I didn’t know how to label or how to deal with or how to even understand really…. I was so overwhelmed and just sad that I was trying to make things better. And as BMI felt like this big scary thing that was the portal to this big scary thing happening to me… I used the time to try to remember all the wonderful things in my life – as this had started to feel like the worst…

Anyway, getting back to that pushed out business – as I said earlier, especially after the second assault happened, I felt so unbelievably pushed out for various reasons. And I have no idea if he was actively pushing me out, or if it was just how I felt…

Some people in my class who had kind of started talking to me in the past seemed to not respond anymore… even if I reached out to them… Was that just because my relationships were so tenuous to begin with? Plus, I wasn’t super close to barely anyone anyway so were those relationships doing the normal fade away thing? (Both of those are entirely possible.) Or maybe people were just busy and/or didn’t get my message(s)? (Also very possible.)

…Or was he badmouthing me? I don’t know. I very well might never…

And that sounds a little suspicious and blame-y that it’s like “but was he badmouthing me?”. But it was a real fear.

I didn’t say one bad word about him to a single person around BMI then. I was so concerned with his reputation and his privacy, even if for all I know he could’ve been saying bad stuff about me/pushing me out…

I hate being so suspicious of someone. It makes me feel a little crazy… But I know him, and how he talks, and who he is. So, of course there’s a part of me – both based on all that knowledge, and of seeing how people started treating me (which I do realize I could’ve been seeing through a lens of bias) that has to wonder if he was painting me in a bad light.

Though again – maybe he never said anything at all. That is completely possible. And I don’t want to be all conspiracy theory about this.

But even if he wasn’t actually saying bad things about me… just being around him with other people, I just felt like I was not wanted there. (I’m sure partially because I wasn’t). And it seemed like he was everywhere. It was such an incredibly horrific feeling to not only feel so powerless during the times when the assaults occurred, but also in all the time that came after that. My situation felt exceptionally isolating.

I do realize that I didn’t go to a ton of BMI stuff before the assaults happened, but at least I always felt BMI stuff was open to me. And after this, I didn’t really…

A very charming, nice (on the surface), popular, kind of beloved man totally violated me (twice) and then refused to hear about it or take it seriously and I had no power. I wasn’t doing well in class. I didn’t have any close friends there. Who could I turn to? How could I really feel safe? I couldn’t – or at least, I didn’t…

Sigh.

And I’ll pick up here next time.

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