Picking up from last time –
So, I go back to the place where I’m staying and I’m crying and calling my good friends in the middle of the night, basically freaking out. “I have no idea what to doooooo!”
And we’re going over all these scenarios – basically everything from my last post about this. Then there seem to be a few options – just go in spite of everything, ask to defer (again), or maybe even start reporting sexual assault guy and seeing if that helps anything.
At this point, it’s not long until the beginning of the school year. I don’t have a ton of time to decide…
My sweet, sweet friends were up all night talking to me. It was so nice. My poor friend I stayed with – I was in his living room, and tying my best to freak out and cry as quietly as possible. I’m pretty sure he slept through everything, but even as he walked in the living room in the morning to make breakfast, oh yeah, I was still on the phone… Aye aye aye. (Yes, I am indeed the very worst.)
Ultimately, I made the decision in some airport later that day.
And I asked – since the school-year hadn’t yet started, and conceivably someone could still take my spot… could I defer?
And yeah, it wasn’t too late.
I let my dream go by for another year. Now, assuming I start in the fall of 2017, I will be starting when I should’ve just graduated (as it’s a two-year program).
To me, that’s a bit of a devastating thing to think about.
So… what ultimately brought my to my choice? I just thought I wasn’t ready… I wasn’t ready to see him every week and still do good work. I wanted the best chance at doing well. After all, if I actually get a second chance at my dream school, I want to come in guns blazing, doing everything I can, as best as I can.
And I didn’t think I could do well with him there. That was what I landed on…
It felt like a nearly impossible decision to make.
Another thing that was hard for me was that I have promised myself, basically my whole life, that I would never make a career decision based on a boy. Ever.
It doesn’t matter how in love we are. I take the good jobs/opportunities, and we make it work (or we don’t). If I’ve gotta move, I’ve gotta move. If I’ve gotta work an insane schedule, so be it. No man or relationship dictates my life.
And this is the first time I’ve ever made a decision based on a guy… So, that was exceptionally hard for me… “Oooooooh, Aurora. You’re not gonna go back to school – your dream school – a fantastic opportunity – because of some guy? What is wrong with you, and who have you become?”
But one thing I kept telling myself is that I’m not putting a hold on my dreams because of a guy or because of a relationship or love or heartbreak… I’m putting things on hold because of a criminal, because of a trauma, because of someone who assaulted me… It doesn’t matter what other positions he ever held in my life, what matters is the act he committed and my PTSD that came from it.
And I just felt that that was the best decision I could make at the time, even if parts about it felt wonky or upsetting or any of that business.
So, there you have it. Deferred again.
Sometimes it feels like no matter how hard I push or how much I try – when I think I’m finally in the clear, things get even worse. Sigh.
And I think that’s finally the end of the BMI story (for now).
I’m still hoping to go back in 2017, so we’ll see what happens from here!