[Trigger warning: Some details about sexual assault here.]
A general idea I was trying to say recently is that it doesn’t matter if sexual assault guy is a prince or an asshole, if he goes to school with me or not, if he’s “good,” or “bad.”
I should be able to be alone with him, and not have him put me in an unsafe situation. I should be able to bank on the assumption that I’m not gonna get assaulted – even. if. he is an asshole!
I’ve heard a few times that I should’ve seen all the red flags (…and I should have).
I’m not saying no one should have any personal responsibility, or that we can just shrug off everything that happens to us as “not our fault” – even when we used poor judgement.
And I’m not saying I want to be with assholes – that that’s cool or fun.
But. I don’t agree with the idea that’s been presented all too often along the lines of like, “boys are assholes.” Or “this guy’s an asshole…. So, what do you expect?”
Okay, first off, don’t even get me started (I mean, do, but not right this second), on our society’s often low expectations for men and how when they do something bad, so many people will say any number of iterations of “boys will be boys,” “boys are stupid,” “boys are assholes,” “what do you expect?” Etc. That’s potentially a whole ‘nother post (in fact, it kind of is one), but minimizing men’s abilities to listen and be amazing – to state that we are expecting them to be harmful in one way or anything is not good for any gender.
But back to the point of this post, and the idea of “how could you be surprised if he did that when he’s an asshole?” – Do you think I’ve never met an asshole in my entire life?
We all have! And yet. None of them assaulted me. I didn’t expect them to, and they didn’t, because that’s not just “some asshole behavior.”
If you’re out with someone and they’re rude to the waiter, or they’re rude to you, or they talk really poorly about every person they’ve ever met, or they say something that’s borderline racist or sexist (etc.), then ([*Jeff Foxworthy voice*]), “You might be out with an asshole!”
And depending on how well you knew this person before, or what your gut says, or whatever a million reasons, you may or may not still go home with them, or go out with them again…
“You know, I must have misheard their remark. There’s no way they meant that in a sexist way…. I should give them another chance.”
And this is where I’ll pick up tomorrow!