I’m So Worried Sometimes That If People See *Any* Good, They Won’t Believe The Bad…

February 20, 2017

[This is another post in the sexual assault series.]

I’ve talked about some of this in here before…

For instance, how I think in some ways, it’s easier for us if people are cartoon villains… It’s easy for us to see that Donald Trump is a bad guy. But nuance? Nuance is hard! To think someone we think we know, or someone who appears as a good guy, is capable of something we can’t imagine… it’s really hard.

And I have this exceptionally irrational fear that one of these days, for someone reason, someone will do a giant deep dive into all of our communications, and they’ll see one good or non-pressuring thing he said, and all of a sudden, it will be unbelievable that he did something bad.

First off, this is crazy. Who do I think I am? I am not a famous person. I’ll tell you that. What? I have like 1,000 followers. I am a teeny tiny nobody. No one cares enough to get that much in the weeds about communications in my life.

Secondly, even if somebody hacked me, I deleted all of my communication with sexual assault guy. I first did it after the big fight when I realized he did not respect me. And from then on out, I deleted as we went – almost every text, because he was always upsetting me, and I just thought I never wanted to remember any of it. I thought it was the “healthy” thing to just wipe everything – not focus on it or spend too much time overanalyzing it…

Hahahahaha, if only I’d known then how bad things would get and how I’d be talking out these problems *at least* once a week with a therapist (sometimes more with group therapy, or also endless hours with my friends, etc.))… If I’d have know it hurts more to have basically nothing to look back on, to be so concrete in your hand, I would’ve saved everything…

Anyway. Even if someone hacked me, I’d have nothing. I even went to a data recovery place (two actually(!) – one for a second opinion/try when the first place couldn’t)… Neither of them were able to help. I’ve tried my best to get it all back so I could see if there are breadcrumbs, any clues, to just verifying everything I went through instead of me feeling crazy and wondering if I’m overreacting about it all. And I couldn’t do it. Two teams of professionals couldn’t do it. I don’t know how a hacker could.

And maybe that’s for the best. The world doesn’t happen through text. How many thousands of minutes did we have in real life or phone conversations? Texts would only tell a small part of the story.

For much of the time, he was actually good about not being so terrible in texts (if I remember correctly). Also, I think about times where he would say something terrible in person or on the phone and then I’d text him later, I might come across as a bit of a crazy person feeling so uncomfortable when in the texting conversation he was just being normal.

It doesn’t tell a full story, and seeing them might not have helped me really understand anything after all…

Anyway, the only way they might ever come out is if he decides to release them. (Why would he drag himself into this mess and out who he is?) Or if somebody hacks him. (Please don’t find him and hack him.) I think the chances are low of all of that because again, a) nobody cares! b) He’s pretty into computers and I’m guessing he’s taken all the precautionary measures of two-step verification and all that jazz. (c) Seriously, I really hope no one hacks him, and I’m not encouraging that at all. I’m talking about my irrational fear here)

I mean, think of all the “dramatic” things that have happened to actually wildly famous people. Did we ever get a giant published printout of Rihanna and Chris Brown’s text messages? To my knowledge, we did not.

I mean, where am I living? In the world of Scandal or How To Get Away With Murder or something? Where I think there’s some highly trained team constantly around who can hack anyone at a moment’s notice – and even if there was, that me and/or sexual assault guy would be the target of that? Of all the people in the world, our dumb text messages is what the world would be after?

And yet, even after all that logic, I have this weird fear that somewhere along the lines, someone will find some old text messages. And maybe they will find the one time he was being soon nonchalant about whether I spent the night – the one time he made me feel like it was my choice and he wouldn’t be upset if i didn’t.

And then somehow that’ll mean that he never forced himself on me in my apartment.

He was not awful and pressuring and mean and even criminal every single moment of every single day. (That’s not how abusive relationships work… How do you think they start? By someone being terrible to you 24/7? Why would you even allow it to start then? No. It starts with love bombing and then you questioning every time you desperately want to get out after that.)

He wasn’t awful all the time. That’s part of what makes it confusing. But sometimes I have this totally irrational fear that someone is going to find some piece of evidence of a time or two or whatever that he was decent, and then they’re gonna decide all of my pain and all of this was never real.

And that has been a peek at my weird brain today.

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