Kind of piggybacking off yesterday –
Sometimes I compare the fallout from my assault to a breakup (’cause there are some similar things – someone you cared about hurt you, you’re not sleeping together anymore, etc.), and I think things like, “Well, this is how I moved past this or that breakup or whatever… Why can’t I just do that?”
I think about it in terms of normal closure, and how you’d normally think about/treat someone with whom you used to be involved in any type of romantic and/or sexual capacity.
But that’s a) not the right way to think about it, and b) sometimes drives me a little crazy. Because I do not feel the same way about these circumstances or this man as I have about any break-up. In fact, my skin is crawling using the words “break-up” in this post. (We need a new word, for sure, for me to use.)
‘Cause take sexual assault guy out of the equation and I’m like, “Oh, but ‘breakup’ sounds so harsh!”
I don’t really view things as “breakups,” so much as kind of like, “A person and I are not together in the same capacity for one reason or another.” Breakup just sounds too mean to me (personally) for some reason.
There is not a man I can think of (again, aside from sexual assault guy) with whom I’ve had even the most quasi-romatntic relationship (or even a friend I slept with a time or two or whatever, or quite honestly even a one-night stand if we remember each other), for whom I wouldn’t be happy to have lunch with or something.
I cared about those men before and I still care about them now… Of course, maybe in a different capacity now. And, of course there are a couple instances where it’s like “Oof! This really was so not the right fit.” So, we might not keep in touch, or be active friends.
There’s maybe even a guy or a few out there who wouldn’t want to talk to me for one reason or another (even if I wouldn’t mind talking to them).
(…I know it’s gonna blow your mind to think this about me, but I’m not perfect. 😉 So, maybe not everybody wants to stay my friend always and forever.)
But there is no one I can think of, whom I’ve slept with (of course – asterisk – who didn’t sexually assault me), with whom I wouldn’t be more than happy to at the very least make small talk with at a party (and some I’d be happy to spend a week with!).
And that’s part of what’s so hard for me. I’m like, “Dang! ‘breakups’ are not supposed to deeply hurt this much; or make me feel this crazy, or on edge, or disassociated (and on an on); or be literally traumatic to where I cried during sex, or get literally ill at the sight of the person’s face, and/or seeing him in a specific nightmare or some such…
I know it can be uncomfortable to see someone in certain timetables or at certain events after a – what’s the new word we’re gonna use – can we, for the time being, just start calling breakups “crunchy goodbyes”? ‘Cause that sounds uncomfortable, but not mean…
Anyway, I’m not gonna act like every crunchy goodbye is heaven or that I haven’t had an awkward run in with a former mate. I’m human. I’ve had weird awkward run-ins in the stage where we’re not 100% ready to see each other quite yet.
But nothing – none – not one of my crunchy goodbyes has ever felt quite like this (in large part because that’s not really what this is…).
And yet, I’m trying to put getting over this crime into this same box as getting over a relationship.
And it’s really not helpful for me to do that.
And I have a few more thoughts on this tomorrow.