It Feels Like I Broke My Promise To Always Keep My Light

Sunday, March 5th, 2017

Here is a back post from around March I never published.

Quite honestly, do this day, it breaks my heart a little to read it. I’m gonna go ahead and post it for posterity. Sorry again that I fell so far behind.

Oh goodness, oh yes, yet another story about California man. I know, I know, I know. I always say I feel awkward talking about him but then I always do it anyway because so much of it seems so relevant to me.

Anyway, one of my most precious memories with him is when we had a big goodbye. We were sitting on his couch, and he was like, “Promise me one thing when you move to New York – you never lose the positive energy that makes you… you.”

He used to call me Kimmy Schmidt sometimes as a nickname, because I was endlessly positive (and unbreakable ;)). In this magical couch talk, he was like, “You are the most positive person I have met. I don’t know how you do it. I truly can’t comprehend your never-ending positive energy no matter what’s going on with me or us or anyone around us or anything in world – no matter what, you see the best in everything. Don’t ever lose that. Promise me.”

And I promised him.

I trapped all those compliments in my heart, thinking it was such a¬†beautiful, wonderful thing. And I thought, “Ha. Obviously. What a silly thing to say! Obviously I’m not gonna change. This is who I am. This is a cute sentiment, but come on.”

And now, here we are, not even half a year later and I cannot get it together. I can’t find the sun and the rainbows. So, now, in some ways, it feels like I lied to him. Because I promised I wouldn’t change, but now I feel like a totally different person.

And I hate that.

One of my biggest fears in all this is losing my “standing” as “sunshine in a dress,” a nickname I cherish.

One of my friends once told me, “I can’t imagine you sad. You’re like a weird little fountain of positive energy!”

People joke about how I am a Disney princess come to life!

I hang my hat on that reputation. I live for that reputation because for the vast majority of the time, it is wildly true. And it feels like a giant part of me is missing.

And that’s scary. And it makes me feels bad, and other generally negative emotions. Oof.

I'd love to hear from you! So whaddya say?