One thing I find exceptionally hard about this whole thing is that this feels like a roller-coaster.
Not too long ago, I had kind of a “breakthrough” at therapy and I felt great. I walked around with my head held high, taking in the world. I had good phone conversations with some friends I missed (since I’m not always fantastic about talking to everybody anymore). I didn’t cry when I saw the BMI building on my walk to work. Heck, I walked places! Forget wanting ubers to be my sad little cage from the world. [Sometimes uber or lyft is fun and/or necessary, but I use it as a crutch too often.]
Things were going so great. I saw things on social media (or around me in real life) that used to trigger me, and I’d be okay – maybe every once in a while just needing to take a deep breath, but not losing it. And a very astute person with me might notice that deep breath, but it’s not make-a-scene or ruin-a-moment type stuff… Just keeping things pretty well under control, and going out and having a grand time…
And then, as the week wore on, and I got so so close to finally making it past the 7-day mark without crying (which I have not been able to do since it happened, ugh), I just lost it. I dunno. There was something triggering-ish and I. Just. Lost. It.
I cried and cried and cried like I couldn’t breathe. Because when it starts, it feels overwhelming…
Sometimes it feels like I’m falling into quicksand, and it just feels inescapable…
And then sometimes I go see my therapist and it feels like she pulls me up outta there, and shows me I’m actually just in a sandbox – that it’s much safer and not nearly as all-encompassing as it all seems… (And that feels safer and nice, but even still, it’s a big sandbox I’m stuck in!)
I am so tired of making progress – and then going backward and feeling tied to my bed and crying enough that I decide to work a later shift at work because it’s just too hard to make it in, in the morning. (Granted, I work a job now where there are many days where this is available to me. Had it been The Nightly Show, I like to think I still would’ve gotten up and gone because I wouldn’t have had the option to go in later (and it was a dream job I wouldn’t want to lose). But having the option, I totally took it…)
Better, better, worse.
There are days where I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I’m definitely gonna “graduate” therapy. (In my program, it’s not a therapist you keep for the rest of your life… You have therapy until you’ve worked through your trauma, and then you leave.)
And then there are days when I think my therapist is gonna give up on me before I finish. (I don’t really think that’s gonna happen…. I think even if she reached the point where she feels I’m not making enough progress that then she’d refer me to someone else, or maybe make a case for trying anti-depressants, etc. I do not feel like I will be kicked to the street with no options or help. But I do get worried that I’m not gonna make the full amazing fantastic turnaround that other people have made.
And that’s scary.
Better, better, worse.
It’s exhausting.
[This is a post from the sexual assault series.]
Hang in there. Think of like a race. Most often the training sucks and most days just getting dressed and out the door is an accomplishment. On those days be kind to yourself and celebrate the small wins. Remember this is a marathon…
Thank you Lily. This is a really kind comment!