I spent the last two days trying desperately to explain how there was this moment at the very beginning where he said, “I have no idea what I want” and he brought it up a bunch of times in a weird condescending way that very night.
And for a number of various reasons (to take his words at face value that he had no idea what he wanted so why push for more answers he doesn’t have, to not pressure him, to not pressure me, to not have a conversation what felt like so early, and on an on), I didn’t push that issue.
Nope. Instead, I enthusiastically said, “okay!” because I was also potentially open to various dynamics, and I thought we’d figure it out when we’d figure it out.
And the big reason this feels like it led to me being assaulted is because all these little disagreements came up over and over and over again. Just think, the first time I was assaulted, it started with him yelling at me about how ridiculous it was that I wouldn’t want to have sex in my bed, because “Aurora! That’s how this works. When I sleep with a woman, half the time we’re at her place, half the time at mine!”
What if four days prior, we had “defined” our relationship (which again, to me, seems slightly insane on night one…But still). What if we’d really very explicitly laid out our expectations?
Though, I don’t know about you, but even in any talks of “defining” relationships I’ve ever had, I’ve never had it feel like a settlement or something where you lay out all the very specific details of everything you need from moment one.
I’ve had like broad conversations about exclusivity, or definitely safety (birth/STD control, and if you have other partners too like what the situation is to keep everyone safe) – you know, that kind of stuff… Really mainly safety and exclusivity.
That’s really it. That’s all I can think of when it comes to those big talks or whatever… I don’t sit down and put on glasses to make me look all smart and lawyer-y and then say *[clears throat] cough cough*, “So, if you’ll see in paragraph 2 of line item 20, I actually hate this certain kind of soap, and you’re allowed to meet specifically these three friends I have, but you’re not allowed to meet these other three very specific people yet, and we won’t be going to my apartment, and if we share dessert, I don’t want it to be chocolate – unless it’s some cool gimmicky thing where something explodes or whatever. Also, we will only ever be at your apartment, etc. etc. etc.”
[In case you’re wondering about that paragraph, not all of that is real, but some of it is haha #TeamVanillaCinnamonCaramelAnythingButChocolateWhenPossible.]
That stuff is just figured out as you go along… (or at least, so I thought.) I never had to sit down and have a gigantic talk with any guys in California, like, “Look. This is suuuuuper serious. I feel weird about having sex in my bed. Let’s dive into my whole life story to try to figure out why.” It was never that serious. It was just like, “Uh, I actually feel a little weird about having you to my place. Would it be okay if we went to yours instead?” And the answer was always “sure!” Not “What’s wrong with you?! This isn’t how I have sex with women!”
I just – it had never been a big deal before. I didn’t anticipate in my wildest dreams that it would become a big deal this time around. I just truthfully did not think for a second that I’d get this man I knew in my apartment who wouldn’t take no for an answer about having sex and sleeping in my bed… (And I don’t know that some maaagical talk defining “what we’re doing” would’ve changed that anyway.)
(Side note: and then he wouldn’t leave because “what we had was sooooo special, that of course I’d want him to stay” [Ron Howard voice: I didn’t.] So, he made things out like they were soooo serious and then would get mad if I did anything that even remotely resembled seriousness to him [I was always just trying to keep up!]… It was so very confusing and frustrating.)
And that wild confusing-ness led to us continually having all of these mini-arguments and misunderstandings, because we kept thinking the other one wanted more or something… It just was this never-ending fight of being on different pages…
I went over to his apartment that Saturday night that led into me being assaulted because we’d been fighting and I was hoping to resolve things… What if we hadn’t been fighting, though? Maybe I wouldn’t have gone over then… And if we hadn’t been fighting and he hadn’t kept putting me down, maybe I wouldn’t have felt so uncomfortable with him in bed. If I wouldn’t have felt so uncomfortable, maybe I wouldn’t have ended up crying. If I wouldn’t have ended up crying, I wouldn’t have been assaulted…
I know it seems like a long road to get there. But there’s just something that feels like had things just been clearer none of this wouldn’t have happened…
And that’s where I’ll end this long, long (sorry) series of posts tomorrow.