First, I’d like to submit to the record that I don’t think I gave a “soft’ no. I gave the hardest no that felt safe at the time. And well, you’ve heard the story many times (the crying, shaking, telling him he was making me uncomfortable, begging to go anywhere else). So, that should be plenty understandable.
But let’s go with the idea just for a second, let’s roll with it, that somehow he didn’t understand a “soft” no (apparently any “no” that’s not me literally screaming the word no at him).
I just wanted to say that he does understand even soft nos.
There was a time we were talking when I was really sick. I’d been up all night vomiting. And he asked if I wanted him to bring me some food. And I said something like, “Oh, I don’t know… Wouldn’t that be pretty hard for you? I don’t want to be a burden…”
To me, that wasn’t even a no! That was my sort of “polite” round of back-and-forth just to be like, “are you sure?” (But I think I probably didn’t even have to do that. Maybe it’s not polite. Maybe we should actually believe people when they offer things. I don’t know.) Anyway, I legitimately did just want to make sure it wasn’t too much of a hassle. (It was a workday and I didn’t know what he had going on.) (But again, I really probably should have just accepted. Why would someone offer if they didn’t mean it?)
Aaaaaaanyway, whether I should’ve asked if it would be too much of a burden for him, the point is, he immediately was just like, “Oh, okay, and completely changed the subject. He totally took that as a no right away. There was no back and forth. The moment I even began to show any hesitation, he immediately dropped the subject.
And this was like the softest no of all time, ’cause to me it wasn’t even a no.
(Though, side note: if this is how people wanted to start treating each other, I wouldn’t necessarily be opposed! In this kind of interacting, there’s never accidental pressure, and I’d have to be a little stronger in my opinions of things like if I want food (which I did).) Anyway!…)
This idea that he somehow doesn’t understand nuance or words or something… just know that he does, because this happened too. I wonder hmmm what could possibly be the difference between them? Could it be that he didn’t want to bring me food, he just wanted to seem like a good guy by offering, but he wanted to have sex with me at that time in that moment.
The issues didn’t revolve around what I was saying, or what I wanted, or nos. The issues revolved only around what he wanted.
But the point is, if he can hear a (non) “no” that’s suuuuuuper way softer than the one when he assaulted me, he should’ve been plenty capable of hearing that real one. (And this concludes my random story of the day.)