As we know, I’ve had a lot of issues with a number of different things – nightmares, being comfortable around people, just generally being able to live normally, all this stuff.
But to me, one of the hardest parts about being assaulted is just like believing and accepting that a) it happened and b) it is a big deal.
It is somewhat easy for me to get lost sometime in this idea of, “Oh, it was a bad little night with a rude guy” or whatever – minimize, minimize… But it was traumatic. It was unsafe. It was scary. I was so powerless. He was so much more than rude. He was threatening. He was scary. And it. was. traumatic.
And just dealing with that and accepting that always makes things feel better.
Because if you’re constantly trying to prove to yourself that it’s okay to feel emotions, you’re dealing with that instead of dealing with the emotions themselves. It’s like this whole other level… I’d say it’s one of the biggest differences between open-heart surgery and this. With that, everyone accepted that you could be as traumatized as you want. People were actually weirded out I wasn’t more traumatized. So, since I was “under-traumatized” for what was expected, it was all cool.
But this extra layer of feeling judged or like this is something “stupid” to be upset about or whatever… to me, that makes it approximately 400,000 times harder. If I can just do step 1 of accepting it as trauma, things get a lot easier – not easy. But easier.