Look, I don’t want to be crazy or way over-dramatic or something…
I know that I’m Aurora. I know I still exist. I know I’m the same Aurora… Like, I don’t actually think I’m not literally the same person.
I also don’t mean any disrespect at all to people who’ve actually died – who truly have no opportunity/no change to turn thing around. I know that’s so different than feeling like a part of you died.
And now that I’ve done such a long rambling preamble, what I’m trying to say is – I feel like a totally different person.
Sometimes there are things that are oh so hard for me to do now that didn’t used to be so hard (just going out in public/being around people I would say is a big one).
And so sometimes, when I’m out and I see something that now is hard, but never used to be, every once in a while, I’ll think to myself, “Goodness, Aurora would really have loved this.”
And I know that I’m actually Aurora. And I know that I am capable of loving it – and that I still do love some things sometimes.
But it just feels like I’m different… Like, I have a ton of pictures of me all around my apartment from various trips and with various friends. And sometimes I think a little about myself in the third person, like, “Dang! Look at this girl! She’s so cool! Look at all the stuff she did and all the people who loved her and she loved right back in return. My goodness gracious. What on earth do you think she’d be doing nowadays since she is so rad?
And I know that technically the answer is I could be doing anything. And I am still alive and I am still me… And yet, that surprises me sometimes. I’ll make a little snapchat for a friend or something, and it’s like, “Oh yeah. Look! There she is! I know that face! I know those little facial expressions. Look! She still exists!”
Or sometimes, I’ll just kind of say something out loud and I’ll hear some sound that’s very “me,” and I’m like, “Wait! I know that sound! That’s Aurora!”
Please don’t be scared. I don’t actually have like multiple personalities or something. I don’t truly think I’m someone else… But I certainly don’t feel like myself at all…. It just feels like a big huge gigantic humongous part of me died… and I do not know what to do about it.